The road to inner peace

                  I'm sitting in front of the ocean after a heavy rainstorm, wave after wave come rolling in, pounding the small cove covered with rocks and tide pools. I've seen this cove many a time looking amazing....the water sparkling like a thousand diamonds, pelicans floating on the breeze, children gathering small treasures along the shore break, even the occasional sea lion basking on the largest rock that juts out of the water... But now, even though tall cliffs surround and seemingly protect this little cove, it's being battered.

                As I take in my surroundings, the cool briny air filling my nose, the water dark and choppy, I can't help but think that this is the exact way I feel inside sometimes. I can imagine the little tide pool creatures clinging to the rocks as the powerful waves rip through pristine little environments. 

                                                "Nothing gold ever stays".

            Like the tide pool creatures, I feel as though the calm in my life is fleeting. I cling to the "rocks" of happiness because it's all that I can do when the storms of my life come rolling back in. The only redeeming parts of this process are the chances I receive to start over after the storms. The tide pools, literally and figuratively, are erased...a clean slate of sorts. The creatures come out of survival mode, release their death grip from the rocks and begin to rebuild. Much like I do. I long for, cling on for, and wait anxiously for the PEACE I need so badly after these storms. The longer they last, the more insane I feel. It's a certain desperation that comes over me at times. It's the feeling of screaming inside of myself for someone to help me, and not wanting to let the outwardly, insanely (sometimes overly) cheerful facade to shatter, only to reveal to the people around me that I am indeed a crazy person (I'm using the word "crazy" loosely here). I don't feel allowed the luxury of going nuts. It would be much easier to let myself sink. But it's not an option.

            I HAVE to suck it up and find a way to somehow survive. For my son. One of the only reasons. THE reason. Otherwise I'd be in trouble. It's up to me to pull it together and reinvent myself each time I fall apart. I fix myself when I'm broken. Imagine taping together a broken piece of glass... enough times taping it back together and it just doesn't work anymore. You get to the point where you McGuyvere yourself together. You find random ways to just make it work. It's all a part of survival and acceptance of who you are. "This is who I am, and this is the situation I am in." 

         I'm finding that I don't believe inner peace is something of permanence in the way of always being the same. To me inner peace changes by experience, time, and the outside factors in your life. It's a constant and ever changing mission. The inner peace I was seeking 4 years ago is far different than the inner peace I desire NOW. I am no longer the same person I was then....as a matter of fact I might even change a little more over night.  I am on a constant path to self discovery and inner peace...a road with no end. But will I ever find it? The turmoil I feel sometimes, combined with the helplessness and insecurity is overwhelming, but like I said....giving up is not an option, no matter how much I want to.

      This last storm I've endured is on it's way out for the most part in certain ways. I survived by the skin of my teeth. This one, is one I will be learning from and referencing for a long time to come. The waves may not be pounding as hard as they were,  but the aftermath was a mess. I've some how managed to find my smile (and I will be wearing it) and put the weight of it all in it's place. I am a stronger person than I was before, even if the ways in which I am aren't clear yet. And there is always HOPE and FAITH. Hope for a better day and faith that I will have the wits about me to be able to get though the bad ones with my inner self and integrity intact. After all, there is a lot of road left to travel, more inner peace to search for and a lot of good that comes with reinvention and rearranging.....