Metaphorical bullets

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

    

                                -Robert Frost

 

It's hard to believe I haven't posted since Tuesday.  It seems like I'm being thrown lesson after lesson recently, those kind of lessons that leave you stumped and literally dumbfounded as to what you should think or do.  It's to the point where the only thing I can think of that would take anything away is sleep. And even then, sleep is weird when you have too much on your mind. I toss and turn, and have strange intensely real dreams, and wake up randomly with crap on my mind.  I honestly thought, I knew who I was. I thought for sure. But its turning out that I haven't even started figuring out who I truly am.


Every experience I go through, I'm changing. Growing and Learning (hopefully) more about what makes me tick. Each decision I make (some painfully) leads me down a different path.  Each path I go down (might) lead me to something better or to something that will change my life again. I've been through so much in the past three years. And some of the memories are seared into my heart forever... some experiences you just never forget. They were experiences that took everything you THOUGHT you knew and just blew you out of the water. Life has a way of doing that to me... just when I think I got my S*** figured out I get thrown a curve ball.


 No one gives you a manual, explaining how to "do" life. You just hold on and try to enjoy the ride. No one warns you the some of the decisions you make will be horribly painful, Like taking a metaphorical bullet. And that the only way to get over the pain is to just FEEL it. No one posts a memo letting you know you will feel lost, lonely, scared, confused etc. etc.
No one makes a public service announcement that you will drive yourself nuts wondering if you're doing the right things for yourself and other parties closely involved, like the little 3 year old life I hold in my hands. No one waves a yellow flag in your face to let you know that you will be "rode hard and put a way wet". That LIFE is the scariest and most beautiful and intense things you can experience.


I've gone through my life feeling my way along. Feeling every loss, every change, every memory. I've always just been "in touch" with my emotions. And I've always connected myself to other people in the same way. I feel emotion without people even knowing I can. I've been told by family that as a child I used to just love someone from the minute I'd meet them. And you could just feel that love. I haven't changed. I am so emotionally involved with the things in my life. I put my heart into everything. Every choice I make I put myself into it. And the tricky thing is now I have another human being to make choices for, one of the people who has taught me the most about myself in such a short amount of time. The little life that I do EVERYTHING for now.


Right now I just hold on to hope and try to be as strong as possible. I can never to fighting. Never stop hoping and praying that I'm making the right decisions. And along with hoping, praying and fighting I will live. Live the gift I've been given. Because after all is said and done, life is pretty awesome... trials, tribulations, metaphorical bullets and all.  Despite life being insane, I am so thankful that I have it. I have a healthy child. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have the smile of my son to brighten my day, and giggles to keep it that way.  I wake up everyday and I am happy for that day, even if I don't know it right away. I have family and friends. I have a job. I have a car. I have family. And even while "taking bullets" I'm SO lucky to even have a life to be taking bullets (metaphorically of course) in.


Listen to the song, it says it all!

Fly by posting....

Literally because I'm practically jumping on and off the computer...I just got my boy home from school a lil while ago, and I have the impending drop off at his dads house looming over me like the beetle last week. I really have a hard time dropping him off, especially when he's telling me he wants to stay with me...It breaks my wittle heart. I don't have much time to post because I'm squeezing every minute I can out of my last few hours with my boy... I WILL do my very bestest to get back tomorrow to give you all some love :) But I wanted to share pictures I took of Trev's second day of school, there are only a couple, mainly because they don't allow cameras in the actual class rooms and because I cant get him to sit still long enough. Ms. Miriam tells me that Trev does wonderfully... I'm sooooo proud of my boy! And he really seems to like it alot! And he's making buddies!

         

Saying "school!"

In case it wasn't obvious, it's a "birdie mask"

His very first "report Card"

I hope you are all having a really great day, and if I can't get back tomorrow, a really great week!!!!

Monkey minute

 It's a smidgen late to be posting Monkey Minute, but I just gotsta! You can see my original Monday post, 'I grew Balls' ' .Here.    Have you ever peed in the shower/bath/pool?

Yes to 1, 2 AND 3. Did I REALLY just admit that publicly?
On my PUBLIC blog?? yikes.



What is your biggest pet peeve?

Rude people. Amongst many others.



What's the story behind your blog title?

The three words I say the most as a mom...
No. Don't. AND Stop. :)



What is your definition of success?

I dont know that I have one. I think success is living your life to the fullest.
I would say my life would be successful, if I had the people I loved in it, and I enjoyed it.




If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
Helping someone. Or inventing something that will make a difference for the good
of people.



Link up people.

DO IT FOR MONKEY!!


 

I grew the balls

**Like I said in my FF post, I was going to have to grow balls to do this post today... Just to warn my readers, this is a really long post. Constructive comments are definitely welcome. This is basically just a story and when I re read it I was thinking it felt a little choppy, for lack of better words? And I kind of feel like a sounded a little crazy,  But it's really helped me to write it all out**


I don't quite know how to begin talking about what's happened. Mostly because I'm so used to NOT talking about it. I've conditioned myself to push these matters away into that little spot in my brain reserved for things that hurt to much to think or talk about. It's been a few days since my last conversation with my dad. The conversation(s) went just about as bad as they could have gone. Like I've said in a previous post  I've been trying to patch up the lack of relationship between my father and which has proven to be a challenge, but it was much better than before.


My dad never fully quit drinking, and 95% of the time I talk to him he's drinking or drunk. My father sober and my father drunk  are like night and day. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There are two different drunk dads- the emotional one and the angry one. So it's pretty much a crap shoot. I can handle the emotional drunk and I prefer sober, but I cannot handle angry drunk. Angry drunk is the mean spirited, scary, aggressive and irrational. "Angry" is what haunts my innermost thoughts fears and emotions. "Angry" is not my real father, but he was the father I wound up with most of the time.


It's next to impossible for me to have a civil conversation with "Angry" because my defenses are up the second I gauge what kind of drunk he is. The first conversation didn't work. Not at all. I called back the next evening, thinking maybe we could start over. And because I had to, mainly because there's been news about his health with each phone call. My father was diagnosed with Colon cancer  early this year (I think) , and is creeping up on stage three. In the last few months, his health has been what was bringing us together. I was the person he was talking to about everything. And I was happy to be there for him. I felt connected to my dad in a way that was something I wasn't used to experiencing. And when it came time for me to confide in him I gave it a chance, and talked to him about some problems my boyfriend and I had been having, and at the time of that conversation things weren't looking to good.  Well lets just say the secret didn't stay with him, despite him saying I could trust him. Things between my boyfriend and I have since been fixed and everything is great.

The first phone call he discovered I was indeed still with my boyfriend. That did not go over well. And the main issue is my boyfriend's face/religion. He is Lebanese and Muslim. I am American and  Christian. It's proven to be a touchy subject for some so far. However, my boyfriend regardless of which race or creed is amazing. He's one of the most awesome people I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. And has been there for me in ways that not many have. "Angry" was not a good side of my dad to be talking to about this. Needless to say it ended badly, and completely ruined my night. And I was even more pissed because of how upset I was and that I LET it ruin my night. I should know better.

Skip to the next day. The whole incident was heavy on my mind the whole day. I was thinking and hoping/dreading; Hoping he wouldn't be drunk, and dreading that he probably was. But I had to try and make things better. I literally started my phone call with " I was calling to see if maybe we could start over". And I immediately regretted it. I knew right away he had been drinking. I should have just waited until the next morning. At first we talked about his cancer, he explained he was seeing a new doctor, and had a different procedure planned and things looked much more optimistic. Ok...so far so good. Wait maybe not. The subject of my boyfriend came up. I explained to him again what I had tried to explain the night before, making sure to leave nothing out. I should know better by now to think that details mattered when "angry" was beginning to show.  At the end of my speech, I stepped off of my soapbox and said, "Dad, I know you worry about me, and you have every right to, you're my dad, and I understand, but I'm 26, I'm smart and I'm a strong woman". I spent even more time defending my self and my boyfriend, trying to explain my boyfriend and "his kind". I was incredibly offended. I am not and never will be one to generalize a single person into a "kind".

I have learned so much about the Lebanese and Muslim culture, and I am lucky to have had the opportunity to learn part of what makes our world so awesome. The world we ALL occupy.  I digress. Conversation goes on and completely goes to shit. All hope of salvaging the conversation at this point  was decimated.  The subject had been changed and the one we were on came to a head and the words out of his mouth caused me to end the conversation immediately. I practically hung up. Well I said "bye" but not much more than that...Oh and "I cant talk to you anymore".

"Sarah If you're so f***in' strong then why did you need to borrow money, If you're so strong then why don't you have two jobs, If you're so strong then why do you struggle..." I stopped him there.  I was crushed.  "ANGRY" should not be saying anything about being strong ( strong man would never have abandoned his family in the way that he did.) But it was his disease right? His Alcoholism?  I felt torn down, like all the times he told me I was doing a great job, and that I was going to be ok, if I ever needed anything let him know. Maybe that was the alcohol talking too. 

The voicemail I got after I pseudo hung up on him, said "I didn't give a f*** about him, and not to EVER call him again. NOT EVER" Pretty clear to me. But it was the alcohol talking right? I wasn't real dad, it was "angry". I do not know how many times in my 26 years that I have said that it wasn't him. I was the alcohol talking. Well you know what? I'd officially like to say "F*** you alcohol!" In the spirit of facing my demons and making changes, I'm going to promise to myself that alcohol is no longer an excuse I am accepting. I have learned through this that the reason why his words still cut me like a knife, is because I love him, and all I've so desperately wanted my whole life was a relationship with my FATHER. Not the alcohol. My DADDY. Not "angry". And until alcohol is no longer in the picture, a real, ans significant, trusting relationship with my father will be impossible. I cannot let him too far into my heart, and this has been one of the toughest revelations of all.

And then comes the guilt...like I am giving up on him or something. I mean, is it true that in order for someone to be helped they have to WANT to help themselves? He has so many opportunities. All with his whole family backing him. My mom for over 20 years. Hand fulls of wake up calls, many runs through AA, some more successful than others. And the alcohol years later and with cancer still has its grips on him. It's the only thing he knows. 

I don't know if I'm going to call my dad. As of right now the answer is no, not yet. Definitely not yet. At first it was not EVER. Even though deep down in my heart I should and will eventually. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that if something happened to him I didn't try to talk to him. This is something that has and will be on my mind for a while...or until I grow the balls to call him... When he's sober, and try talking to him then... I'm going to have to learn how to talk to him when he's sober. Problem is my dad doesn't even know how to talk about these issues sober. 

But I can still try right?

Weeeeeeee!!!

So not only did I win that give away I was talking about in my FF post, but Drama Mama over at The Scoop on Poop bequeathed upon me an award! Seriously made my day, god love 'er! If you've never been over to her blog, I think it would be in your better interest to stop by...or stay...but don't be all stalkerific...you know, but be a fan or something. It's worth your time...and c'mon, she's got the word "poop" in the name of her blog...doesn't get much better than that! Oh, and she's very funny...and versatile seeing as how she passed the "Versatile Blogger" award on to me. Thanks friend! I appreciate it alot!!!

So following the rules of the award, I've thanked the awesome human being who graced me with this award, and now, I am to give you guys 7 tidbits you might not know about me.

Uno: I love Vampire literature, more specifically The Sookie Stackhouse series orrr Mary Janice Davidson's 'Undead' series. Twilight...... yup. That's right. I'm a TwiMom.

Dos: I was a huge baby. 9 Lbs. 8 ounces... my mom was hurtin'.

Tres: I'm petrified of jumping critters...like grass hoppers, crickets etc. Who am I fooling...I'm petrified of all critters of the insect or arachnid variety.

Cuatro: I have Green eyes

Cinco: I LOVE pickles.

Seis: I've eaten tongue before...and it does NOT taste like chicken.

Siete: I love popscicle stick jokes.  Like this one: What does a pig use on his cuts?***

Ocho: My favorite movie of ALL TIME is 'Hook' with Robin Williams

Nueve: I can speak a pretty good amount of spanish, 3 years in Highschool, I worked at a mexican food resturant for 3 years and my son is half Hispanic, so I've had my fair share of training I suppose

Diez: Tejava iced tea rocks my socks off!

And now for the part where I get to make 15 other people smile!

The award goes to (in no particular order):

Earth Mother Just means I'm dusty

Love you to the moom Mommy

Jimmy's Opinion

Kerri's Klutter

Mommy Loves Stillettos

My home and my Hips are both Double Wide

The MVP's of Mesa Town

Wemmicks in Training

5,371 Miles Away

Babes Rockin Mami

He Who Laughs Last Didn't get it

My so Called Chaos

See Mom Smile

That 22 Year Old Housewife

Momma Made it look Easy

You should totally go show some love, these ladies and one gent really are awesome!

Thanks again Drama Mama!!!

***OINKMENT!  BWAHAHA

Fragments

Long week.  That's just about all I can really say to sum it all up. It's been 4 days since I've posted anything, I have busy spurts every week, normally I might have posted something, or tried to mid-week, yesterday would have been a perfect day to do that and I will explain what happened in one of my Fragments.... By the way you gotsta to stop my Mrs. 4444's place, for her Fragments post, she's the queen of FF you know!

****I'm going to have to re-evaluate my stance on how things are going with my father and I...I want to write about it so badly, but I feel like I might not have my thoughts together on the whole thing yet. It's been an emotionally exhausting past couple days, There were not one but TWO situations that forced me to face my demons, and they both involved my father directly...the out come was not good, especially with alcohol involved (not on my part). I'm just so not ok with this anymore...really it's gotten to the point where I almost can't deal. More to come Saturday or Sunday....whenever I grow the balls to post about it.

****Yesterday I slept. I got home from work and I took time for myself. I needed it. So badly. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind being alone, in fact I like it. Sometimes I want to go pee with out a 3 year old bursting on on me, or roll around in bed without toddler arm in my face, time to take MY time, lollygag, not be in 20 different places at the same time, have have to talk, or think about anything. And like I said, I slept, got home from work, laid down around 6 and started nodding off watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I knocked out somewhere around 7 pm, woke up briefly and went to back to bed with the same pounding headache I started my sleep with. When I sleep like that it's when I'm just done. Done with everything...I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm checking out. Come back later, thanks. It was much needed.

****So we've had quite the crazy week at work. Not only are things crazy because we've made some big changes lately but also we've had a wayward whale hanging out in the harbor about 1/8 of a mile down the canal from where I work. The poor lil BIG thing had been straggling behind the migrating pod due to being tangled up in fishing nets and ropes....Whales migrate right past Dana Point every year, and we don't see many past April,  when they get further into cooler waters. Long story short, it was a media circus, and there were literally crowds of people trying to catch a glimpse of her. Sadly to say she didn't make it and was found beached today.  

**** I'm excited to say my boy starts Pre School on Monday... Originally I had planned on enrolling him a little closer to 4, but I was faced with needing to work more and this came at just the right time for the both of us. I think he's ready, and he really needs something to focus his attention on, and have an environment where he can be the cute little sponge he is. I will no doubtedly cry, like ALOT, dropping him off for the first time...this is school, I mean Pre school granted, but it still has the word SCHOOL in it....ahhhhh!!! Make his growing up stop....please, for the love of all that is holy.

****I WON SOMETHING!!! Holy crap I won something!! I checked my emails from my phone at work, and I got an email I almost deleted because I thought it was another one of those "You've won!" emails, you know the ones....But this was  REAL one...I entered a give away over at Our Fine House, and I won. I was so excited it's ridiculous! Here's the official post saying I'm da weener :) Thanks Jen and Joe!

That's all folks, I hope you've all had a super fantastic week!

Quiet reflection?

I'm sitting on a park bench- supposed to be thinking about my next big blog post or something. I have my pants rolled up over my knees, legs propped up on the table in front of me; A ball cap, a tank top, and a very contented 3 1/2 year old romping around the multi-colored play set pretending to be a pirate. (Note to self: shake his shoes off out side...its not fun getting sand out of your bed)

It's peaceful and warm...perfect setting for an epiphany or some sort of startling revelation....I consult my brain....crickets.

All I can think about is the fact that my legs are so white transparent, that I feel like I should be wearing tanning bed goggles to look at them. That, and I was suddenly distracted from my second attempt at brain consulting, by a low humming sound....A helicopter???    

Nah.....Too close.

Wait.

There it is again. I look to my right and there is the mother of all beetles getting ready to eat my face off. A heart attack with wings. I leap up, waving my notebook around like a lunatic, hoping to hit a home run. The turd did a fly by terror.

What-the-fudge man?! Seriously, why do these things get so big?! They're like mutant houseflies. AND you can HEAR them before you actually SEE them.  Leaving you looking around frantically for the impending hell on wings. Now I'm paranoid. Grrrreat.

But one thing I am NOT is pensive. My mind is actually somewhat blank.  

Blank???

No pressing issues? No stresses? Not even enough brain action for a brilliant blog post?  Odd. but sorta nice.....

...I suppose that would explain why I found the cordless house phone on the front seat of my Alero when we got to the park.


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Do it for Monkey!!!