Go to your Happy Place

I've been thinking... Seems like all I've had to do is think.... These three days have been the longest three I've had in forever... I now realize that my job allowed me to not think.. it enabled me to put my problems on the back burner-- to be able to forget those ugly little issues that try to slip back into my brain when I constantly and most of the time successfully keep them locked out.

Thinking is a dangerous thing... often times my mind is not a great place to take a trip. Thinking means I have to confront my own dysfuntion, my fears, my lack of stregnth, complete and total lack of social skills...and even worse the mistakes I've made.

And it's becoming apparent that I am not happy. I don't know how to get to "happy".
I have not fully known "happy" in years.... And I've been struggling to get there.
I mean what does "happy" mean? Is it having things? Money, friends, good looks....
Someone to be with? Places to go or things to do??

I have a beautiful son, and handful of really great friends, and mom that rocks my socks off...great family, a roof over my head, and a car...I have it better than most single moms, and yet I feel like I just can't get myself to that place--- MY happy place.

I want to find my Happy place. I've been putting others before me for a very long time now, having a child just does that to you.... loving someone that much makes it easy to want them to be so taken care of that you forget about the one person you should be taking care of first. YOU. In order for me to take care of others I HAVE to take care of myself... I don't even know how to do this.... do I get instructions??? Can someone please just tell me how to take care of sarah???

Enlighten me please???

Wow....this really is my fault....

So what do you do when something unexpected, totally shocking and somewhat devistating happens, and its alSol your fault....you have no one to blame but your stupid ass self? It has to be one of the hardest things to realize, "wow, I did this to MYSELF." And to admit that to yourself is even harder.

I got fired from my job of 2 1/2 years the day before yesterday... my whole life revolved around that job....my money, my time, my well being.... my FRIENDS.....the special people that all in their own little way made my life easier everyday....the ones who will never know how much their smiles, and laughs meant to me.... that job was not only my well being, but it was my escape... I can't say how many times I could not wait to get to work so I could escape from my little hell at the time.

I got fired for something, I consider a technicality....but it was a technicality that I knew could get me in trouble....one that I had been warned about and though it wasnt all the time continued to do... were the actions taken against me a little extreme? YES. With out a doubt. But were they justified? Yeah....to an extent they were.... Maybe I got too comfortable...started to think that I wouldn't ever get fired.... why would they fire me???? I work my ass off for these people.... I know our customers, ALOT of them by name....I know about their families, their jobs, their lives.... I've been a therapist for shelled shocked customers who no doubt just spent their entire savings on their car repairs..... I've been an anger management consultant, a listening ear to the elderly that come in and have no one to talk to.... I've run around a closed repair shop searching for keys for customers that didnt get the memo that we closed at 5 on saturdays.....I've worked doubles, days in a row....offered my time to help cover shifts, volunteered myself for projects....sat at a fucking desk for hours in one spot with a smile on my face....only to get fired.
But as messed up as I feel it is, if I only wouldn't have done that one thing, I'd still have my job.... I wouldn't be scouring craigs list, digging through the Penny saver, and filing for un employment.
If only I wasn't so lame I'd still have my job...the job I didn't realize how much it meant to me until I was cleaning off my desk, and sobbing as I walked out the door.

At first I was completely floored....then devistated.....then I started blaming other people.... It wasn't until a friend of mine...actually one of the awesome people I left behind me at Ford.... said to me on the phone "You know you kinda messed up, right?" that I went through the realization of this being my doing....and man was it a harsh blow..... it finally sunk in. THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT. I was the catalyst for this whole thing.... It doesnt matter that the service director hated me and wanted me gone, along with someone in the back office...it doesn't matter that it was a tecnicality..... it doesn't matter how hard i worked or for how long....what matters is that EVERYONE is expendable...including myself.

Now don't get me wrong.... you know me.... "Little Miss Positive thinking USA", there are a few things that came out of this that are positive.... I really just hope and pray that God will spare me from being drug through the ringer on this one..... that I'll be able to live through it all and have my sanity intact....you live and you learn, and this one is definitely a big lesson....

So wish me luck.... the job search will continue.... I'll keep you updated.
Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Brushing the dust off my blog....

I took a long hiatus from blogging, mainly because there was just too much going on in my life.... So much to do, deal with, learn, adjust to..... I just moved out of the apt. we'd (we being my ex, my son and I) for almost 3 years, my little comfort bubble, the one place that no matter what was going on I felt safe and OK. The moving process itself was a PITA, it was all very short notice, like you got 2 weeks to pack up your shit and leave short notice. So in a matter of a week we poured the contents of a 2 bedroom apt. into our cars and a Uhaul, and now I rent a ROOM.... now don't get me wrong.... I am completely thankful, I have a roof over mine and my son's head, which is more than some single mothers have. I'm healthy, my son is healthy and I have family and friends who love me.
However, with that said, I did NOT want to be living in the same vincinity as my ex.... Not only do I not like this place, but I don't like being here with him.... I hate that he still affects me... that he knows just what to say or do to hurt me or piss me off... I can't stand that In thought he and I were going to be great friends and be going through this together.... having him here was one of the reasons why this was going to be bearable.... like we were going through this tough process together as best friends and parents. SO not the case, as I found out last night... the only reason why he was actually there for me was because in his mind we were getting back together....also SO not the case.... sorry buddy, your crushed my life, my well being and my self esteem way too many times for me to want to put my self in that position again.
Right now I feel just SOOOO alone...I have no idea how to be alone... I don't like being alone, nor do I WANT to be alone... but I have to be, in the end all I have is myself and I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet and be a strong independent person before I can be with someone again. I'll be the first to tell you that my life is a mess, financially I'm not stable...emotionally I'm a wreck and a half...maybe even a double wreck. I cry at the drop of a hat half the time... and most of the time I feel like I need to hold myself together...like if I unwrap myself I'm going to fall into a million peices... but the one thing I hold onto is that I know that this too shall pass...things have a funny way of doing that....there is ALWAYS a bright side and and everything always happens for a reason..... And I know that when I get through this I'll be standing tall and I'll be more wise than I was before. I'll know what I'm worth, and what I want and deserve.

Happy Birthday Judith!!!

Happy Birthday Judith!!

I hope your day is wonderfully fanfreakintastic!!!!!!

wordless wednesday

The Nerve of some people.

I'll start by sharing that I am the service cashier/receptionist/evil woman at the window who steals your money, at a Ford dealership. I get PLENTY of rude, dis-gruntled, and sometimes just down right nasty customers everyday, but one in particular today has been standing out in my head the whole night.

And it wasn't that this guy was rude, but it was more like he was extraordinarily rude and felt as though he was entitled. Which is almost worse then being just rude.

The man walks up to my window and I gave him the same schpeal that I give everyone I then tell him that his service was going to cost him $157.00.

He instantly snaps his head up and says "What?! $157.00??!! What the hell is that for? Is that with the coupon?"

I say. "Well I'm not sure, what coupon did you have?"*

We whips out his coupon, and says "This one, you know the one Ben told me he was going to take off the bill! You know this is the reason why I set all of this up ahead of time so I wouldn't have to put up with this crap, I just wanted to come in and out."

My response was. "Well I'm going to have to call Ben to make sure the coupon came off the bill, so give me just one second"

I was just barely reaching for the phone to call, and the man barks** at me, "I don't have time for this! I HAVE to go!"

"Alright, well you have one of two choices, you can pay this price, and just trust that Ben gave you the discounted price, or you can wait one minute for me to call Ben"

Barking again, he says. "You know what, just get me the hell out of here!" And with that his amex card got thrown on my desk and I just ran it and got him and his halitosis*** breath out of my face and he stomped away in a manner my 2 year old would envy.

What really terps me about this, is why the eff are you going to waste my time by bitching about the price of your repairs only to tell me you don't have the time to friggen let me make sure the price it correct?! Douch.


*please make note that he shouldn't even have the coupon, the coupon actually states "Present this coupon to your service advisor upon dropping off your car"

**Yes he sounded like a dog. And was one ass lick away from looking like one.

***we all know how I feel about bad breath, if you didn't read my prior post about things that piss me off, Bad breath was one of them... but man, this guy's breath seriously shortened my life.
See this for a visual.

NOTE: LiteralDan if you're reading this, I hijacked your footnotes Idea. :)

Holy mother of no internet for 2 weeks....

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am back.

From where you ask? No where really. But I am back in the internet loop.

I've been going plumb crazy for 2 weeks now. Literally feeling like I wanted to gnaw my foot off...
It's amazing how much you miss the net when you happen to not have access for 2 weeks.

I feel like I've missed so much!!!!

Ohhhhhhhh sweeet internet.......