The Kickboxing Class

I did a kick boxing class. Whoopdeedoo right? The thing is that I wasn't expecting to do it. I happen to know someone who works at L.A. Boxing. A week ago (more like a month at this point) I went to say "Hi" and check the place out. You know, just be an innocent bystander. Watch and not actually DO. I went in my gym clothes with the intention of leaving there and going to my gym to do the usual work out. I was not expecting my friend to hand me a pair of boxing gloves and show me to a 150 pound punching bag.

Me: I'm not doing this.

Him:  Yes you are.

Me: No, seriously. (Trying to muster up a brilliant excuse) My friend is meeting me at my gym soon! (now I've got him! muahaha)

Him: Oh......well call your friend and tell her you can't make it! You're doing this.

Me: (desperate now) But I'm not in shape enough for this! Do I look in shape enough for this?? (No. no no no no no....I'm not ready!)

Him: Yup you do. (pointing at a girl who was very over weight and there for her first time) Do you think SHE'S in shape enough for this, it's her first time and she's doing it.

I had no rebuttal...he'd beat me at my procrastination game. I'd given in. Practically pushed into getting my butt voluntarily whooped. He then let me in on the fact that the instructor that was going to be teaching my class was notorious for being the toughest. That's just SUPER. In my head I was freaking out. I was sure to meet my doom. He wrapped my hands, introduced me to the devil spawn instructor, told me if I started to feel light headed or anything to stop, get some water and jump back in. Light headed??????  Should I be signing a waiver or something?

Right off the bat we were jogging/sprinting, doing push ups, lunges, jump squats....you know, the devil spawn stuff...That was the warm up. I was more like tore up. Turns out they have shirts that read "Your work out is our warm up". I can vouch for that!  To my dismay the class did get harder and more intense. I rather clumsily "two left feeted" my way through and slowly learned the proper way to right hook, knee, upper cut, kick and jab my punching bag into submission, all while music blasted me through the work out. 

At some points I honest to god thought that I was going to die...or puke. I had to stop a couple times for a minute or two to catch my breath...which didn't even seem like it was mine anymore. Every once in a while I'd hear "Craig" the devil spawn instructor yell "Do you hate me yet?! Too slow. Start over! Sprint! Jog! Jump squat!" He finished the trip to hell with a wall squat, that made my legs shake, but I'll be damned I finished it and I wasn't dead, nor did I puke. I DID IT. Not with flying colors, but I finished it down to the last second.

Now the REAL significance of this is that I conquered my fears....Of being laughed at, looking stupid, looking fat/awkward/falling on my face....the list could go on....it was so much more than a question of being "not in shape enough". I came out feeling more confident, more in shape than I thought I was but also learned what I need to work on as well as feeling stronger for pushing through the pain and getting through the class semi unscathed.* I actually THANKED the instructor.

This experience made me think about how many times I've let the fear of failing, being rejected, looking stupid Etc. etc. deter  me from doing what I really wanted. From tackling life's 150 pound punching bags. It's natural to have fear...as a matter or fact you should have some amount of fear in some situations...but in others it's all about how you handle it. How you overcome it, and rock the socks off of what ever situation it may be. Sometimes you have to just keeping pushing and pushing yourself through until you get to your goal...or as Michael Jackson was say "Don't stop til you get enough"!









*The semi unscathed part does not include the almost week after the class that I literally was crippled with soreness....even the bottoms of my feet. Yup. Apparently you have muscles in the bottom of your feet, that need some toning.

** And you know I look like a bad mutha trucka with my Lightening Mc Queen and Mater tatoos in that picture....oh yeah, I'm tough!

For one more day

Have you ever thought about people passed and if they're still with you? Still around making sure you're ok...that they could be in that cold chill, the goosebumps on the back of your neck, maybe a smell that couldn't possibly come from anywhere in your house, a breeze through your hair when they're crossing your mind or even that time when you see someone on the street, and for a split second their smile matches your loved one's and you could have SWORN it was them.

I believe that there are a lot of people "with" me. Each person impacted me in some way, some may not have even known they impacted me at all or how much. They are in my dreams, sometimes the sparkle in a stranger's eye, or like I said, in a sudden gust of a warm breeze over my neck, seemingly whispering to me.  Always when their smiles or a memory pass through my mind.

Recently it's been a lot more frequent, having an out of the blue thought of my Uncle Mike who passed when I was a young girl, the smile that matches my mom's and my own burned into my memory. Visions of my papa sitting at his spot at the head of the table, or standing over his famous spaghetti sauce. My Grampa Jones in his lazy boy, faded navy tattoos, his lap just begging to be jumped on for a cuddle. My friend Nick Zambeck, making me laugh, helping me through hard times he didn't even know I was going through. These memories I've been having so often, sometimes bring tears to my eyes, and make my heart ache in missing them and their precious hearts so much, but mostly I smile in remembrance, and take comfort in the fact that I know I'm being "hugged" when I feel like I'm alone, that my hand is being held through tough times,  in knowing I'm making my Grandpa, Uncle and Friend proud  and that in the moments they're crossing my mind, they're right there with me.

It's so important to cherish these memories, and to keep their memories alive. Each of these people, are one's who in whatever way molded me to be part of who I am today, they taught me something, or many things, were part of my life, my dreams, my heart and soul. 

Part of my inspiration to write this post, came from the book 'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom, the book is somewhat  based on the same idea that your loved ones visit you when you're thinking of them. The man in the book, gets one more day with his mother who passed without his getting to say good bye, and gets to tell her the things he wished he could have. There are so so many times I've wondered what it would be like to have a passed loved one for one more day, for one more hug, for one more laugh, for one more I love you. 

Life is so precious, and so short, and so very fragile... make sure you're loving the people in your life, and letting them KNOW you love them as much as possible.You never know when you might be wishing for one more day!

I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger...

I got a wild hair up my you know what, the other night and completely rearranged my room....I the process I went through a couple boxes that I haven't been through in a long long time....it was one of those boxes that has all of you "blast from the past" stuff in it....pictures from high school, memories, trinkets etc. While I was digging/tripping out I found this:

My two friends and I who you will see in the picture in the center (from L to R: Myself, Allison, Carly)  started this note book in high school, our Sophomore year....2000! 10 years ago. TEN. We would write notes to each other, keep it for 2 days, and then pas it along to the next girl out of the 3 of us, who would then do the same. This notebook, is a written reminder of who I was then. I was 16 years old. With no worries other than boys, sneaking out, school, and why I for the life of me could NOT understand "Moles and Atoms" in chem class. I'll quote myself....

"Carly...do you understand all this Mole & and Atom crap in chem? It's not hard but I'm SO sick of Dimensional Analysis and Sig Figs! Chemistry is the most horrible class I have EVER taken!"

Wonder if the WAHmbulance came and got me after that? Because if I knew the trials and tribulations I would be going through 10years later... man.... If I only knew.... I would have not worried so much about Mike, Tyler, or JJ.  because they were guys I would not even remember 10 years from then....I would have listened more  in my Intermediate Composition class with Ms. Elliot even if she was weird and listened to strange music during class.  I would have known that me not going to Winter Formal was NOT the end of the world... I would have saved the money to go visit my best friend Nik when he moved to Australia..... But really....All of these things happened for a reason...they shaped who I am today.   Even though I don't think "hot boxing" my friends car on the way to go shopping was a bright idea. Or getting trashed off of Vodka. OR peeing off the side of a bridge......

One of the letters broke my heart...I was trying to be so tough... I might write more about this later, but my father was an alcoholic, bad... I remember starting to stand up to him, starting to defend myself....being 16 and thinking it was time to put a stop to this...I know now that it did not work, and I would still go through years of hurt with my mom and little sister, due to my father's alcoholism... in this case a boy called me, and my dad, drunk, couldn't remember who it was...

"ugh! I hate my dad! I seriously came so close to punching him in nose last night! He's such a jerk! And it's kind of funny because when he's been drinking and he goes off on me, I just yell back in his face, and if he tells me to go to my room or something, I flat out say "no" right to his face! It's really hard to not start laughing at him because he gets even more pissed when he realizes he has no control over me when he's been drinking, and his face turns red and he has this vein that pops out of the side of his neck! it's really funny!"

None of that was funny. It was terrifying... I know now that I was trying to make the situation funny because I was trying to cover up the hurt. I know now that when I'm upset, scared or uncomfortable, the "funny" thing is a mask. I wish I could go back to me 16 year old self and give myself a hug. "Stop being so angry" I would tell myself.


 "Your father has to WANT to change, and he won't remember ANY of what he's putting you through, so be strong, take care of your sister and mom, and know that even if you won't get much closure, you'll HAVE to forgive him for this later" I would tell myself.  It breaks my heart to read that because I know now, how much the pain from that would change me....how much it would shape me and how I react to men in particular, and how much pain I was really going through then and how much I wanted someone to just understand, and how much I wanted to just be 16. 


This notebook, is like a capsule of who I was, am and who I was to become... I didn't know then how my choices would affect my future, how stupid and petty some of then things I was doing were...BUT as stupid and petty as they were, they shaped and molded me into ME.  Each choice I made, each hit of pot I smoked....each hot boxed car....each shot of vodka...each bridge peed over, each time I stood up to my father...each boy who broke my heart.


The last entry in the notebook was written by myself in hot pink sparkly gel pen, in my very sloppy teenage scrawl, with a magazine clipping of Mark Mcgrath pasted to the page... I talk about the Red Door, which was my church youth group back then.... here's the quote:

    "Carly, when is that Red Door thing happening? We're not going to Magic Mountain tomorrow, obviously, because its raining, so I'm going to go w/ the church to play broom ball. That is SO much fun!! I LOVE Red Door outreaches"

If I could go back to that day, I'd lean in and whisper to my 16 year old self that I was making a GREAT choice...."Don't let go of god" I would tell my self. Even though I know now, that I would let go of god....I would lose grip on my Christianity for years to come after that. And then find him again later.... but little did I know, the Red Door outreaches that were to come would plant the seed. The seed that would stay there waiting to grow for a long time.


But it was there, and stayed there the whole time, for me to find again later... it happens to be one of the best choices I made ...... Back in the days when I was my 16 year old self.

Love you forever

"But at night time, when that *three year old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:"

                                           I'll love you forever,

                                           I'll like you for always,

                                          As long as I'm living

                                           My baby you'll be. "

This picture inspired me to write this post...last night right after taking this, I picked up my 40 pound 3 year old, and just held him while he slept...and of course I stared, how could I not?? This crazy child of mine....this crazy child who I say No, don't or stop to at least 20 times in a day...this crazy child of mine who tried to flush the wrapper to a Spongebob GoGurt down the toilet... this crazy child of mine who while we were in the bathroom at the gym, unfortunately noticed that auntie flow had come in to town, and said "EWWW what is that!?" stumped as to what I was supposed to say, I tell him "It's just a "girl" thing baby".  As we are leaving, he stops at the front desk and  screamed said to 3 employees "My mommy has a girl problem in her undahweahs"  Needless to say I could not get out of there faster. This crazy child of mine, is so amazingly peacful when he sleeps. When he's dreaming of Lightening McQueen, fruit snacks and Hot Wheels.            

The quote at the top is from a children's book called 'Love you forever'  by Robert Munch...I can remember being read this book when I was a little girl just in elementary school,  and even at that age choking back tears, I was an emotional one folks. But really, this book is amazing. For those of you who don't know, its the story of a mother's love. It starts out mother with a brand new baby, and as the baby grows, the book goes through different stages of him growing and wreaking havoc on the house and his mom's nerves. Every night, his mother sneaks into his room, picks up her son, and sings to him:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be

The story progresses, and the boy is now a man living on his own, she gets a ladder, sneaks into his apartment, and sings to him... the story continues, he gets married and has kid of his own, still she breaks into his house at night, and rocks her giant son in his sleep. At some point his mom is calling to say goodnight, because she's too old to come sneak in, the man drives to his moms house, rocks her in her sleep and sings the same song.

 I can't get through it with out crying. And last night I felt the same way. This crazy little child ANGEL of mine....who even if he's driving me nuts, can still melt my heart with just a smile,  who will always make me laugh when he runs away from me giggling even though I'm asking him to stop, who will always be a baby even though I'm getting arms like a line backer cause he's so heavy and growing so fast, this sweet little BABY who showers me with kisses every day, and tells me "I love you mommy, you're my he-woah (hero)"

He's MY hero!! 

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be!

I was touched...

This is just going to be a quick post, as I am practically running out the door to go to the gym and just getting off work, but I wanted to thank each and every one of you amazing people who read and or commented on yesterdays blog post.

I sat and read your comments with a box of tissue in tow, because the more I read the more I cried. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of support and kind words you all wrote, and you can't imagine how much your words meant to me!!

I thought about you all today and it brought a smile to my face, you touched my heart beyond what I can explain!

I was so nervous to write that post, mainly because that meant I was being vulnerable, I'm always afraid of putting myself out there and getting shot down, for lack of better words. Which is why I think I'm always trying to be so funny and light hearted, all SMILE SMILE SMILE, because If I'm funny I don't have to be vulnerable.  But you guys....wow. THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you for embracing me in my vulnerability and uplifting me!

I appreciate you all SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! And big hugs! Even though I wish i could do it in person!!!

I might just....

Crawl into a hole?

 Scream?
   
Cry? sob? Throw a fit? Wig the fuck out?

All of these are things I feel like I'm going to end up doing some time in the very near future...if not 3 seconds from now...  For some reason, I've lost the ability to cope with my life.... everything that happens, even the little things are sending me into panic. I feel like I have a 50 pound weight on my chest, and each time I try to take a deep cleansing "chill your ass out" breath, it's stiffled. 

 Is it weird that just 2 days ago I was fine? Or maybe I was "fine". Maybe after 26 years of forcing myself to smile, even when I didn't want to is finally taking it's toll... Im known for my smile, I was named after the song "sarah smile" (check out a great version by Jimmy Wayne) And I can't seem to curl the corners of my mouth up for the life of me...Im damn near close to using my fingers to do it .I worry SO much about everything and everyone in my life that I might be losing sight of my self...and my heart..



I am scared...Im scared of the future, my present and past at all the same time.... I could sit here for ever and discuss my short comings...but right now my hugest fear is that I will forever be stuggling as a single mom. Struggling to make ends meet, struggling to be a good mom, even though I often feel like I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.  I feel like I don't do enough, I don't work hard enough, I'm not patient enough, I don't ever and could NEVER tell my son how much I love him...how much the only thing that keeps me going is him. He is THE soul reason I am here, and the reason why I get up in the morning even though right now, I want to close my eyes and just sink. I don't tell him enough how good of a little boy he is, and how wonderful of a little human being he is...how much his kisses warm my soul. I get so stressed, and frustrated with the trials and tribulations of being alone and raising a 3 year old that I forget to compliment my child, and it leaves me guilt striken.

I cry as I write this, and mybe that's because I need it...I hold the peices together too often...I think for now I'll let them fall.......and as usual, pick them back up and put myself together again.

And as usual put a smile on my face.

Lets play catch up!

             As I sit here with my *6 inch turkey on whole wheat with, spicy mustard, extra pickles & peppercinis with the works, from Subway of course...and The Family Guy (Giggity)  on in the back ground, I realize that I have not blogged in over a month... damn I suck. I don't have the slightest idea what those two things have in common with me being a Slacky Mc Slackerson blogger, but you know.... random thoughts pop in my head and I have to get rid of them! Verbal diarrhea if you will! ANNNNYWAYS.

           What's new? I have 2 cats now...well I'm the temporary, possibly permanent surrogate mommy to two fur babies....Toben and Lil Miss....My sister needed someone to take them and I was the lucky weener!! They're adorable, and mischievious.... I forget how scandelous cats can be....its like the just sit there and watch and wait for the opportune moments to do something to irritate you....furry little schemers they are....but I love them....they both have sweet cuddly sides and they're fitting in quite nicely!

          My son is still a heart attacker....he's at this age or phase what ever you want to call it where defiance is his middle name....he MUST make sure you know HE is the "boss", and I blame myself for this...I've always taught him to be independent, but this is where it's biting me in the ass... darn him for being an emotional copy of myself....we will forever butt heads just simply because he is my mini me.... especially temper wise.... one second he's pissed....the next he's laughing...and I'm standing there like an idiot still trying to figure out what happened the second before... its like I am constantly in a state of adjustment...I wake up everyday and wonder what he's going to throw at me. He certainly keeps me on my toes, and makes my heart smile!  Perfect example...today while on a walk in the harbor, he stop and starts picking flowers....and every female that walked by was handed a flower by my son....talk about brightening someone's day... I might have cried had I been one of his lady passersby. Or same visit to the harbor, we're eating, and he points behind me and says "Mommy look, there's a gurlel (girl) over there, I LOVE gurlels!" Can we say future lady killer people?!  Long story longer, my kid is the best.

      I have a BOYFRIEND. And a wonderful one at that...he's awesome....he's the Tom to my cruise  teeeheee *blushes*

      And I think last but certainly not least, and quite possibly the most amazing thing EVER. I got a new computer!!! yessssss! I have been subjected to the horror of a dinosaur of a computer that maxed out at 500 MB of RAM....which for those of you who might not know is JACK SHIT. I couldn't even run my web browser and Yahoo messanger at the same time with out it freezing..... hell, I couldn't even run the browser alone without it freezing... it was your run of the mill POS.... like make you want to throw it off your balcony POS....bang your head on the key board, pound your fist on the table, restart every 30 mins. POS...you wipin' what I'm spillin'?   Enough about the old and busted and on the new hotness. Now that I can actually do stuff on my computer blogging amongst other things should be MUCH easier!!

     And as abrupt as this ending might be, I think that's about it for now... thank you for listening to my mindless jabber, and now, back to your regularly scheduled programming!


*Subway might be the most wonderful thing is the world...and I might turn into a sandwhich in the near future I eat it so often!