Sunday, May 30, 2010

It's Like a Fungus

My cell phone.....which died yesterday afternoon, and stayed dead the WHOLE day, night, and now will be dead for most of the morning and possibly early afternoon, I've realized is like a a friggen growth. A fungus if you will... always attached to me... as if my life will certainly depend on what ever phone call or text I will just so happen to get. I was forced to not used my phone yesterday because I had forgotten my charger at work, and even though I had been at work eating yesterday with Trevor, I got home looking to charge my phone and only THEN did I realize where I had left it. I panicked at first...thinking "Oh my  gawwwwwd what if there's an emergency!!?? What will I EVER do with out my cell phone?!" I contemplated driving to go get it....wasting an 1/5 of a tank of gas, and sitting in Southern California Pre Memorial Day traffic for 30 minutes and 12 miles just so I could have my texting back....not to say that my phone even RINGS half the time!

I plopped down in front of my other computer...and tried to forget the onslaught of calls and text messages I would be receiving while my phone was dead...I realize that I have more fungi than I thought....what on earth would I do with out my computer? I shudder. Such an utter tragedy should never even be thought about. I would surely DIE with out my  computer! Or what about the TV? Or my iPod..... or for argument sake I would even  say may car... out of all of them I would say my car would be the worst...I've been with out a car and it is not fun.... I mean you get by, take the bus what ever you have to do but man it's do not realize how much you rely on these sort of things in a day to day basis.

We had a wonderful, almost fungus free day yesterday....couple hours at the gym...where come to think of it, I used more modern machines, and then I DROVE down to the harbor, we had a yummy lunch, and then took a walk in the sunshine, and counted crabs perched on the concrete by the guard rails, waiting for the tide to bring them their next snack (think the crabs at the end of Finding Nemo...hey heyyyy heyyyyy!) then we went to the park and played in the sunshine some more....and this whole time I didn't have a working phone. And much to my shock I was not dead this morning when I woke up and STILL have no phone to use.  I for one think it's about time I stop relying on my modern conveniences so much.

I really don't think it would be detrimental to my survival if I just left my cell phone at home for the day, or maybe even turned it off for a little while or listened to music on *gasp* the radio rather than on my computer or ipod, and that's WITHOUT Spongebob's laugh in the background infiltrating our  brains.  I wonder why my life feels so complicated. And that's because I complicate it.... whatever happened to going HOME to use your phone... must people be able to get a hold of me RIGHT NOW? Or vice versa? What ever happened to reading a book or a magazine instead of rotting our brains with TMZ and Dr. phil.  I remember as a kid, popping a TAPE into my radio and literally waiting there for as long as it took with my finger in the "record" button to catch my favorite N'sync song. Now all I have to do is turn on my computer, tap "enter" on my key board and the song is on my computer and at my disposal.

I've come to an awareness that these modern day "conveniences" might not always be so convenient! Maybe, just maybe my life would be a little more simple if I just stopped worrying so much about my phone or my computer. Or even my car... write letters more instead of emailing....leaving my phone at home while I'm at work or turning it off while I'm spending time with my boy. Taking a power walk in the sun, and using resistance bands afterwards, instead of going to the gym and using machines. Maybe these little modern day conveniences are just such a part of my little comfort zone that I didn't realize how UNcomfortable they really are?  I'm challenging each person who read this to turn your cell phone off for a while... I guarantee you won't miss it as much as you thought...anything important enough will be brought to your attention in an other way and I promise; the world will not stop spinning.

What are some fungi in your life???

Friday, May 28, 2010

It's Finally Friday!

Ahhhhh....Friday....I love and Friday are likethis. George Jones says does a good Friday song....

**Warning: Do not click if you don't like twang...I personally love twang and this song is awesome**

This is a particularly cool Friday because I get to inform you all that I was given the 'Trendy Blogger' award by my bloggy buddy Punk Rock Momma... Thank you so so so very much!!

So now naturally I have to pass this award on to some other wonderful bloggers

The award goes to:

All of these bloggers are more than deserving of any award, I think as a bloggy friend with your best interests in mind, I'm going to strongly suggest you go read up and enjoy!!

Oh and smile! It's the weekend!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Super Human Mommy Powers

I don't know if you, reader, were aware but, us mommies have super human powers...that's right...I'm SUPER human. When you become a mom all kinds of cool things suddenly, from the moment you find out you're preggers, gain all sorts of special powers. A few of them being:

1. Enhanced sense of smell.... believe me, you definitely get to experience this one when you're pregnant....I could sniff out a wet towel from a pile of clothes like no bodies business...and then comes post preggo enhanced get to test out your new smell abilities plenty...your nose is graced with a plethora scents as you go along...poop, puke, formula. Pees and carrots never smelled the same after getting a whiff of Gerber's culinary expertise.

2. Super sonic hearing... I can hear my son breathing wrong from 3 rooms away. My ears perk up when my son so much as squeaks from across a play ground. I plan on putting this into a little more use when Trevor is a I know why my mom always knew when I snuck out.

3. Basket ball player aim...I can shoot 3 pointers into a plastic bucket with Hot Wheels cars all day....I just pump 'em right out...oh, and I have a fantastic arch. Makes for a fun clean-up. Shaq aint got nothin' on me!

4. Quick like a bunny in a forest fiyah reflexes...I got hit in the side of the head with a flying golf ball before I had really honed in on this special I catch all kinds of air bound objects with ease.

5. Muscles.... I have the arms of a line backer...stick a kid on my hip and I can use my "man" muscles for hours. These come especially in handy when you have a passed out completely limp 40 pounds to lug tote out of the car.

6. Amazing healing powers....dude. I can kiss the pain right out of a boo boo...and my hugs stop tears almost automatically. Booyah.

7. Eagle eyes..... despite the fact that I am blinder than a bat with out my glasses, I would still be able to spot my kiddo almost right a crowd....all wearing the same color.... its like I have a built in radar screen.

8. Anti gag mechanism.... I can do all sorts of things with out getting grossed out... I changed diapers from some of the nastiest contents you could possibly imagine with out even gagging... puke? NOTHIN. Snot smeared on my shoulder. Not even a flinch. Seriously. I. am. immune.

9. Speeeeeeed.... I can do a multitude of things PDQ. Whip up breakfast in 10 mins flat.  Change a diaper in under a minute. Get a squirmy toddler dressed and ready in lightening speed. Did you see that??!! That was me zooming by with a juice box and a PB and J sandwich ready for consumption in 10 seconds.

10. Miraculous multitasking.... please excuse me...I'm getting dressed, feeding my child, putting on my makeup, doing laundry, fixing a boo boo, giving kisses (and hugs) working, playing cars and picking up toys all at the same time... I'll be able to talk as soon as I free up my mouth.

       These are just a few. I'm sure there are others, but you know....I don't want to give away any mommy secrets.

If you're a mommy, what super human powers to YOU have?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

On a lighter note....Getting to know you Sunday

The past couple weeks my post have been so serious, and so sad. My heart has been hurting pretty badly. But now that I've vented its time to start working on a little bit happier. I'm gunna try and turn my frown upside down! And I'm starting with Getting to know YOU.

1. Do you have a fetish?

I'm not suuuure...... I love lip gloss. I have TONS of gloss. Like enough to last me the rest of my life...

2. Do you sing in the shower? Although I used to....but I have room mates now... I'm pretty sure they'd be asking me to sing
solo...."solo" they can't hear me!

3. Who was your first crush?
Yikes.... I don't even remember...I've had so many lol I was known for being a little boy crazy when I was younger... ok I think it has to be Tommy Gibson.... my mom's bestfriend's son... we are practically the same age and used to be play mates, and that's about as far back as I can remember.

4. What do you think is the best manly trait a guy could have?
Rugged hands....and or shoulders

5. Do you sleep naked?
I have, but not anymore...I gots a 3 year old in the bed with me now so yeah.... I don't do nekkid well anyways..

6. What do you do when (you think) no one is looking?
 pick wedgies or fix my tah tahs

7. What's the first thing you do when you go online?
Stalk my Facebook friends, and then my blog is close after

8. Summer is.....?
BBQ, watermelon, sleeping with the windows open, tank tops and swimming pools and too hot LOL

Ok...I'll admit it...I'm smiling.... mostly because I admitted I pick my butt on my blog....but its guys get the good bad AND the ugly :)  Today will be a good day... it's Sunday, I have church to uplift me today and tomorrow is the start of a new week!.. Today I'll be praying for god to give me some PERSPECTIVE and a happy heart! I hope you all have a superfantastical day!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Metaphorical bullets

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."
                                -Robert Frost


It's hard to believe I haven't posted since Tuesday.  It seems like I'm being thrown lesson after lesson recently, those kind of lessons that leave you stumped and literally dumbfounded as to what you should think or do.  It's to the point where the only thing I can think of that would take anything away is sleep. And even then, sleep is weird when you have too much on your mind. I toss and turn, and have strange intensely real dreams, and wake up randomly with crap on my mind.  I honestly thought, I knew who I was. I thought for sure. But its turning out that I haven't even started figuring out who I truly am.

Every experience I go through, I'm changing. Growing and Learning (hopefully) more about what makes me tick. Each decision I make (some painfully) leads me down a different path.  Each path I go down (might) lead me to something better or to something that will change my life again. I've been through so much in the past three years. And some of the memories are seared into my heart forever... some experiences you just never forget. They were experiences that took everything you THOUGHT you knew and just blew you out of the water. Life has a way of doing that to me... just when I think I got my S*** figured out I get thrown a curve ball.

 No one gives you a manual, explaining how to "do" life. You just hold on and try to enjoy the ride. No one warns you the some of the decisions you make will be horribly painful, Like taking a metaphorical bullet. And that the only way to get over the pain is to just FEEL it. No one posts a memo letting you know you will feel lost, lonely, scared, confused etc. etc.
No one makes a public service announcement that you will drive yourself nuts wondering if you're doing the right things for yourself and other parties closely involved, like the little 3 year old life I hold in my hands. No one waves a yellow flag in your face to let you know that you will be "rode hard and put a way wet". That LIFE is the scariest and most beautiful and intense things you can experience.

I've gone through my life feeling my way along. Feeling every loss, every change, every memory. I've always just been "in touch" with my emotions. And I've always connected myself to other people in the same way. I feel emotion without people even knowing I can. I've been told by family that as a child I used to just love someone from the minute I'd meet them. And you could just feel that love. I haven't changed. I am so emotionally involved with the things in my life. I put my heart into everything. Every choice I make I put myself into it. And the tricky thing is now I have another human being to make choices for, one of the people who has taught me the most about myself in such a short amount of time. The little life that I do EVERYTHING for now.

Right now I just hold on to hope and try to be as strong as possible. I can never to fighting. Never stop hoping and praying that I'm making the right decisions. And along with hoping, praying and fighting I will live. Live the gift I've been given. Because after all is said and done, life is pretty awesome... trials, tribulations, metaphorical bullets and all.  Despite life being insane, I am so thankful that I have it. I have a healthy child. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have the smile of my son to brighten my day, and giggles to keep it that way.  I wake up everyday and I am happy for that day, even if I don't know it right away. I have family and friends. I have a job. I have a car. I have family. And even while "taking bullets" I'm SO lucky to even have a life to be taking bullets (metaphorically of course) in.

Listen to the song, it says it all!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fly by posting....

Literally because I'm practically jumping on and off the computer...I just got my boy home from school a lil while ago, and I have the impending drop off at his dads house looming over me like the beetle last week. I really have a hard time dropping him off, especially when he's telling me he wants to stay with me...It breaks my wittle heart. I don't have much time to post because I'm squeezing every minute I can out of my last few hours with my boy... I WILL do my very bestest to get back tomorrow to give you all some love :) But I wanted to share pictures I took of Trev's second day of school, there are only a couple, mainly because they don't allow cameras in the actual class rooms and because I cant get him to sit still long enough. Ms. Miriam tells me that Trev does wonderfully... I'm sooooo proud of my boy! And he really seems to like it alot! And he's making buddies!

Saying "school!"

In case it wasn't obvious, it's a "birdie mask"

His very first "report Card"

I hope you are all having a really great day, and if I can't get back tomorrow, a really great week!!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Monkey minute

It's a smidgen late to be posting Monkey Minute, but I just gotsta! You can see my original Monday post, 'I grew Balls' ' .Here.
Have you ever peed in the shower/bath/pool?

Yes to 1, 2 AND 3. Did I REALLY just admit that publicly?
On my PUBLIC blog?? yikes.

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Rude people. Amongst many others.

What's the story behind your blog title?

The three words I say the most as a mom...
No. Don't. AND Stop. :)

What is your definition of success?

I dont know that I have one. I think success is living your life to the fullest.
I would say my life would be successful, if I had the people I loved in it, and I enjoyed it.

If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
Helping someone. Or inventing something that will make a difference for the good
of people.

Link up people.



Sunday, May 16, 2010

I grew the balls

**Like I said in my FF post, I was going to have to grow balls to do this post today... Just to warn my readers, this is a really long post. Constructive comments are definitely welcome. This is basically just a story and when I re read it I was thinking it felt a little choppy, for lack of better words? And I kind of feel like a sounded a little crazy,  But it's really helped me to write it all out**

I don't quite know how to begin talking about what's happened. Mostly because I'm so used to NOT talking about it. I've conditioned myself to push these matters away into that little spot in my brain reserved for things that hurt to much to think or talk about. It's been a few days since my last conversation with my dad. The conversation(s) went just about as bad as they could have gone. Like I've said in a previous post  I've been trying to patch up the lack of relationship between my father and which has proven to be a challenge, but it was much better than before.

My dad never fully quit drinking, and 95% of the time I talk to him he's drinking or drunk. My father sober and my father drunk  are like night and day. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There are two different drunk dads- the emotional one and the angry one. So it's pretty much a crap shoot. I can handle the emotional drunk and I prefer sober, but I cannot handle angry drunk. Angry drunk is the mean spirited, scary, aggressive and irrational. "Angry" is what haunts my innermost thoughts fears and emotions. "Angry" is not my real father, but he was the father I wound up with most of the time.

It's next to impossible for me to have a civil conversation with "Angry" because my defenses are up the second I gauge what kind of drunk he is. The first conversation didn't work. Not at all. I called back the next evening, thinking maybe we could start over. And because I had to, mainly because there's been news about his health with each phone call. My father was diagnosed with Colon cancer  early this year (I think) , and is creeping up on stage three. In the last few months, his health has been what was bringing us together. I was the person he was talking to about everything. And I was happy to be there for him. I felt connected to my dad in a way that was something I wasn't used to experiencing. And when it came time for me to confide in him I gave it a chance, and talked to him about some problems my boyfriend and I had been having, and at the time of that conversation things weren't looking to good.  Well lets just say the secret didn't stay with him, despite him saying I could trust him. Things between my boyfriend and I have since been fixed and everything is great.

The first phone call he discovered I was indeed still with my boyfriend. That did not go over well. And the main issue is my boyfriend's face/religion. He is Lebanese and Muslim. I am American and  Christian. It's proven to be a touchy subject for some so far. However, my boyfriend regardless of which race or creed is amazing. He's one of the most awesome people I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. And has been there for me in ways that not many have. "Angry" was not a good side of my dad to be talking to about this. Needless to say it ended badly, and completely ruined my night. And I was even more pissed because of how upset I was and that I LET it ruin my night. I should know better.

Skip to the next day. The whole incident was heavy on my mind the whole day. I was thinking and hoping/dreading; Hoping he wouldn't be drunk, and dreading that he probably was. But I had to try and make things better. I literally started my phone call with " I was calling to see if maybe we could start over". And I immediately regretted it. I knew right away he had been drinking. I should have just waited until the next morning. At first we talked about his cancer, he explained he was seeing a new doctor, and had a different procedure planned and things looked much more optimistic. far so good. Wait maybe not. The subject of my boyfriend came up. I explained to him again what I had tried to explain the night before, making sure to leave nothing out. I should know better by now to think that details mattered when "angry" was beginning to show.  At the end of my speech, I stepped off of my soapbox and said, "Dad, I know you worry about me, and you have every right to, you're my dad, and I understand, but I'm 26, I'm smart and I'm a strong woman". I spent even more time defending my self and my boyfriend, trying to explain my boyfriend and "his kind". I was incredibly offended. I am not and never will be one to generalize a single person into a "kind".

I have learned so much about the Lebanese and Muslim culture, and I am lucky to have had the opportunity to learn part of what makes our world so awesome. The world we ALL occupy.  I digress. Conversation goes on and completely goes to shit. All hope of salvaging the conversation at this point  was decimated.  The subject had been changed and the one we were on came to a head and the words out of his mouth caused me to end the conversation immediately. I practically hung up. Well I said "bye" but not much more than that...Oh and "I cant talk to you anymore".

"Sarah If you're so f***in' strong then why did you need to borrow money, If you're so strong then why don't you have two jobs, If you're so strong then why do you struggle..." I stopped him there.  I was crushed.  "ANGRY" should not be saying anything about being strong ( strong man would never have abandoned his family in the way that he did.) But it was his disease right? His Alcoholism?  I felt torn down, like all the times he told me I was doing a great job, and that I was going to be ok, if I ever needed anything let him know. Maybe that was the alcohol talking too. 

The voicemail I got after I pseudo hung up on him, said "I didn't give a f*** about him, and not to EVER call him again. NOT EVER" Pretty clear to me. But it was the alcohol talking right? I wasn't real dad, it was "angry". I do not know how many times in my 26 years that I have said that it wasn't him. I was the alcohol talking. Well you know what? I'd officially like to say "F*** you alcohol!" In the spirit of facing my demons and making changes, I'm going to promise to myself that alcohol is no longer an excuse I am accepting. I have learned through this that the reason why his words still cut me like a knife, is because I love him, and all I've so desperately wanted my whole life was a relationship with my FATHER. Not the alcohol. My DADDY. Not "angry". And until alcohol is no longer in the picture, a real, ans significant, trusting relationship with my father will be impossible. I cannot let him too far into my heart, and this has been one of the toughest revelations of all.

And then comes the I am giving up on him or something. I mean, is it true that in order for someone to be helped they have to WANT to help themselves? He has so many opportunities. All with his whole family backing him. My mom for over 20 years. Hand fulls of wake up calls, many runs through AA, some more successful than others. And the alcohol years later and with cancer still has its grips on him. It's the only thing he knows. 

I don't know if I'm going to call my dad. As of right now the answer is no, not yet. Definitely not yet. At first it was not EVER. Even though deep down in my heart I should and will eventually. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that if something happened to him I didn't try to talk to him. This is something that has and will be on my mind for a while...or until I grow the balls to call him... When he's sober, and try talking to him then... I'm going to have to learn how to talk to him when he's sober. Problem is my dad doesn't even know how to talk about these issues sober. 

But I can still try right?

Saturday, May 15, 2010


So not only did I win that give away I was talking about in my FF post, but Drama Mama over at The Scoop on Poop bequeathed upon me an award! Seriously made my day, god love 'er! If you've never been over to her blog, I think it would be in your better interest to stop by...or stay...but don't be all know, but be a fan or something. It's worth your time...and c'mon, she's got the word "poop" in the name of her blog...doesn't get much better than that! Oh, and she's very funny...and versatile seeing as how she passed the "Versatile Blogger" award on to me. Thanks friend! I appreciate it alot!!!

So following the rules of the award, I've thanked the awesome human being who graced me with this award, and now, I am to give you guys 7 tidbits you might not know about me.

Uno: I love Vampire literature, more specifically The Sookie Stackhouse series orrr Mary Janice Davidson's 'Undead' series. Twilight...... yup. That's right. I'm a TwiMom.

Dos: I was a huge baby. 9 Lbs. 8 ounces... my mom was hurtin'.

Tres: I'm petrified of jumping grass hoppers, crickets etc. Who am I fooling...I'm petrified of all critters of the insect or arachnid variety.

Cuatro: I have Green eyes

Cinco: I LOVE pickles.

Seis: I've eaten tongue before...and it does NOT taste like chicken.

Siete: I love popscicle stick jokes.  Like this one: What does a pig use on his cuts?***

Ocho: My favorite movie of ALL TIME is 'Hook' with Robin Williams

Nueve: I can speak a pretty good amount of spanish, 3 years in Highschool, I worked at a mexican food resturant for 3 years and my son is half Hispanic, so I've had my fair share of training I suppose

Diez: Tejava iced tea rocks my socks off!

And now for the part where I get to make 15 other people smile!

The award goes to (in no particular order):

You should totally go show some love, these ladies and one gent really are awesome!

Thanks again Drama Mama!!!



Mommy's Idea
Long week.  That's just about all I can really say to sum it all up. It's been 4 days since I've posted anything, I have busy spurts every week, normally I might have posted something, or tried to mid-week, yesterday would have been a perfect day to do that and I will explain what happened in one of my Fragments.... By the way you gotsta to stop my Mrs. 4444's place, for her Fragments post, she's the queen of FF you know!

****I'm going to have to re-evaluate my stance on how things are going with my father and I...I want to write about it so badly, but I feel like I might not have my thoughts together on the whole thing yet. It's been an emotionally exhausting past couple days, There were not one but TWO situations that forced me to face my demons, and they both involved my father directly...the out come was not good, especially with alcohol involved (not on my part). I'm just so not ok with this anymore...really it's gotten to the point where I almost can't deal. More to come Saturday or Sunday....whenever I grow the balls to post about it.

****Yesterday I slept. I got home from work and I took time for myself. I needed it. So badly. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind being alone, in fact I like it. Sometimes I want to go pee with out a 3 year old bursting on on me, or roll around in bed without toddler arm in my face, time to take MY time, lollygag, not be in 20 different places at the same time, have have to talk, or think about anything. And like I said, I slept, got home from work, laid down around 6 and started nodding off watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy, I knocked out somewhere around 7 pm, woke up briefly and went to back to bed with the same pounding headache I started my sleep with. When I sleep like that it's when I'm just done. Done with everything...I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm checking out. Come back later, thanks. It was much needed.

****So we've had quite the crazy week at work. Not only are things crazy because we've made some big changes lately but also we've had a wayward whale hanging out in the harbor about 1/8 of a mile down the canal from where I work. The poor lil BIG thing had been straggling behind the migrating pod due to being tangled up in fishing nets and ropes....Whales migrate right past Dana Point every year, and we don't see many past April,  when they get further into cooler waters. Long story short, it was a media circus, and there were literally crowds of people trying to catch a glimpse of her. Sadly to say she didn't make it and was found beached today.  

**** I'm excited to say my boy starts Pre School on Monday... Originally I had planned on enrolling him a little closer to 4, but I was faced with needing to work more and this came at just the right time for the both of us. I think he's ready, and he really needs something to focus his attention on, and have an environment where he can be the cute little sponge he is. I will no doubtedly cry, like ALOT, dropping him off for the first time...this is school, I mean Pre school granted, but it still has the word SCHOOL in it....ahhhhh!!! Make his growing up stop....please, for the love of all that is holy.

****I WON SOMETHING!!! Holy crap I won something!! I checked my emails from my phone at work, and I got an email I almost deleted because I thought it was another one of those "You've won!" emails, you know the ones....But this was  REAL one...I entered a give away over at Our Fine House, and I won. I was so excited it's ridiculous! Here's the official post saying I'm da weener :) Thanks Jen and Joe!

That's all folks, I hope you've all had a super fantastic week!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Quiet reflection?

I'm sitting on a park bench- supposed to be thinking about my next big blog post or something. I have my pants rolled up over my knees, legs propped up on the table in front of me; A ball cap, a tank top, and a very contented 3 1/2 year old romping around the multi-colored play set pretending to be a pirate. (Note to self: shake his shoes off out side...its not fun getting sand out of your bed)

It's peaceful and warm...perfect setting for an epiphany or some sort of startling revelation....I consult my brain....crickets.

All I can think about is the fact that my legs are so white transparent, that I feel like I should be wearing tanning bed goggles to look at them. That, and I was suddenly distracted from my second attempt at brain consulting, by a low humming sound....A helicopter???    

Nah.....Too close.


There it is again. I look to my right and there is the mother of all beetles getting ready to eat my face off. A heart attack with wings. I leap up, waving my notebook around like a lunatic, hoping to hit a home run. The turd did a fly by terror.

What-the-fudge man?! Seriously, why do these things get so big?! They're like mutant houseflies. AND you can HEAR them before you actually SEE them.  Leaving you looking around frantically for the impending hell on wings. Now I'm paranoid. Grrrreat.

But one thing I am NOT is pensive. My mind is actually somewhat blank.  


No pressing issues? No stresses? Not even enough brain action for a brilliant blog post?  Odd. but sorta nice.....

...I suppose that would explain why I found the cordless house phone on the front seat of my Alero when we got to the park.


Do it for Monkey!!!

Monkey minute


I don't normally link up with Ian on Mondays, although I read frequently...every week he does "Monday Minute" but this week its Monkey minute... One of our fellow blogger friends got some terrible, life changing news recently... Michelle @ Momma Pixie's Dreams' Daughter "Monkey" was diagnosed with cancer...she needs all the support in the world right now...even if you don't know , or have never read her blog, GO. Be her support. Be her friend. Pray pray pray for Monkey...also stop back to Ian's this Wednesday, he's got something awesome up his sleeve!  You can go here for my original my favorite things post, and make sure you head over to Ian's...I implore you! :)

1 - How old do you act?

Ha! That's very subjective.  And completely depends on the situation.  Most of the time people tell me I act older than my much that sometimes my friends call me "mother goose" because I'm always mother goosin'...being the party pooper or the rational person at the party.

2 - As far back as you can remember, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A veterinarian

3 - If you were to write a book based on your life, what would the title be?

Sarah's smile

4 - What's something that you do that's considered "childish" by most?

I don't know....Sometimes I'm known to let out a crazy burp...I watch cartoons all the time (sometimes by my self) I don't know... lol

5 - The last question isn't a question. Write a story of a time of when you or someone you know overcame great adversity.

You know...I know some people who have been through some stuff, and I've been through alot...but none that I can think of as a mom that would be as devastating this. I can't begin to think of a story.
Do it for Monkey!!!!

My favorite things: Places to be


The 'My Favorite Things' Shenanigans are going to be changing just a wee smidgen. I talked last week about MFTM being time consuming, and that's largely in part to to the fact that I like to be all artsy and what not. So for my own convenience and yours if you chose to link up (which would be really cool...I'll give you a cookie.) I'm cutting the list down to 5 from ten. This should make things a little more interesting as well...I'll really have to work hard to narrow MFT down to just 5 per category...cause I have a lot of FT you know!

This week's is My Favorite Places to be:

1. Gram's house
My grandma's house holds practically all of my childhood nostolgia...
well not ALL, but alot. I spent a ton of time there when I was little.
I have that place memorized from front to back...I know the sounds and
smells and where the to find almost anything. I walk in and it's like home.
I'm transported back to years of Chrismases and Thanksgivings. Tennis
games on the Tv...Frank Senatra playing softly in the kitchen at the butt crack
of dawn, my grams house flip flops-a -flippin-and-a-flopping up and down
the hall way (also at the butt crack of dawn). The smell of my grandmas home
made Zuccini bread, and the smell of Bay leaves simmering in my Papa's
delicious spagetti. God bless his amazing soul. Visions of bowls of green grapes
on the counter for me to pick at when I wanted, the times we'd spend at the yacht
club and on my papa's sail boat, The papagayo....and not last...and def. not going to
be least...the Tangerine tree...there will be a post in the near future about the tangerine
tree! The 3 IN said Tangerine tree, my wonderful grams cooking and lastly
my wonderful grams again, picking black berries in a jump suit. LOL I love her!

2. The Dana Point Harbor
I think of good times, good friends and a peacul place to be when I talk about
the Harbor. Not only do I work there, but I've spent most of my 17-23 year old life there.
Memories galore, all which I love to revisit. Days when I had nothing to worry about.
Work work work all day and play play play all night. Aside from that, its gorgeous. There's
nothing better than suiting up and power walking in the sun, with the briney sea air in your hair.
Or early in the morning, when there's not a soul in sight, and all you hear are the bells dinging
quietly, and the water lapping at the side of the boats. Utter peace.


For obvious reasons......

I'm talking about for SLEEP. jeeze. ;)
I really cannot express to you how much I love bed.
I have always been one of those people, who would much rather
spend my mornings in bed with a cuppa joe than up and about all wimbly nimbly
being all cheerful and crap. I love to wallow in my blankets all morning, and it's a
cryin' shame that I don't get the opportunity anymore...but that's ok...bed and I are
likethis...and we'll have our day again!


4.Anywhere and everywhere with my other half:
And for a gazillion reasons...just a few being he's my left partner
in crime...the half that makes his mama whole. My heart, life, and soul. He
breaths life into me with every smile. I would go anywhere with him. And I would
give him big mom kisses the whole way.

5. Church
One of the only places where I feel completely at one.
Totally loved. At peace. Full. And Happy.
I love to chill with my good buddy JC, what can I say.
He's the bomb! Especially recently, I've learned so much,
and each week I go I want more and more.

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Theres my 5 up... I'd love to see what your favorite places are.

Have a super monday!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Short and sweet Happy Mothers day

I woke up late, we have church in like T minus 1 hour I'm frantic and I had this whole post planned out....grrr...I don't wanna post it too late because I dont know what we'll be doing later.  Anyways....


This is my beautiful mommy and I

This is my beautiful mommy being a great mommy :)

My beautiful mommy being a GREAT grandma

And this is my beautiful mommy just being beautiful

If it wasnt for my mommy I'd be lost, she taught me everything I know, and most importantly how to be a mommy to my wonderful son!


Saturday, May 8, 2010

SSSS..... or something like it

You ever have those weeks that just feel crazy even though they're really not? It's just that each day is an amplified version of the norm? A little more emotional, a little more hectic, SSDD with just a little change in it? (I'll give you a "hug" if you can figure out or if you know what SSDD or SSSS are) That's kind of how my week was....

Dropping Trevor off on Tues. was straight up brutal... and it seems to keep getting heart breaks each time...He's been doing so well...his tantrums seem to be getting alot better, and he's been wonderful. Sweet, and cuddly, and just the sweet little baby he always is. we spent most of Tues laying around in bed and cuddling watching movies. When it came time to take him to the ex's he said "No mommy, I don't want to go to daddy's house, I wanna stay witchoo. I promise I'll be a good boy". Oh sweet baby....daddy's house is not a punishment... that was heart wrencher number one... Then dropping him off he cried... and just looked so apprehensive... looking up at his dad like " Are you happy to see me?"....that was heart wrencher number two....I just cried. I don't know how else to cope with it. I know his father loves him... I really do. I just wish he would try to make Trevor's visits more special.

Work was insane. I work at a restaurant if you will, a little place in the DP harbor, a family owned business that's been there for 30 years...this place is like a home to me, the owner like a father. We've always been busy, one of those local places that everyone in the city knows, and will wait the line 50 people deep and 40 mins long just to order food. We get busier and busier as the years go by, and we've been doing things virtually the same way forever...well we've implemented en entirely new system. New registers and operating systems, and new food prep systems. The result? Chaos. The registers not so much. The food is another story. I feel like I ran around in circles the whole week. Being a creature of habit, I do not deal with change well.  Needless to say I was excited for the R&R and to have my other half back.

Today has been a wonderfully leisurely morning, I've been blessed with a child who likes  to sleep in, we don't normally roll out of bed until 9:30, so that's always nice. We did turkey bacon and eggs, Trev's favorite. I drank my coffee and watched some cheesy Sci-fi movie....and now its catching up on blogs, and my neglected commenting.  There won't be much more going on today besides this glorious laziness... I love it so much. If I could just lay in bed all day with my boy I would. I'm looking so forward to the next couple days, and I'm excited that Mother's day is on a Sunday, it'll be cool to see how church is going to be, I can't think of a better day of the week for Mommy's day to be on!

Oh and last but certainly NOT least.... I love each and everyone of you like a fat kid loves cake...and I really love cake.  My readers continually make me feel so supported and cared about, Tuesday's post was really hard for me, and as usual I have the wonderful support of you all.. and its SOOOO appreciated!  Seriously, you're frappin' awesome!  After that post, I'm just trying to move forward...I can't keep revisiting that part of my life...I'm trying to find and heal all affected areas, and look and see what part of my life they have changed. The trust issues are a good need for control and safety is another. My fear of ANY change is another. The fear of having concrete love in my life. I'm terrified of losing things/people. Theres an entire laundry list of things I need to work on...some of which I'll elaborate more on as soon as I grow some balls back after that last post, writing about everything has proven to be really therapeudic for me!

So here's to fixing my disfunctions, and moving forward!!

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”
                                         -Rosanne Cash

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
                                                                                                                                -Charles Swindoll

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Facing my Demons

This all started when I rearranged my room....I just HAD to start digging through old things...I found a certain notebook,( I wrote about it here.) In said notebook I kind of rediscovered who I was and how I came to be who I am. I've re-read this note book a couple times before the other day, but maybe I just wasn't ready to let myself deal with some of what I went through, back then. Alot of what happened and what I felt has been locked up in a special hidey place in my head. In a way I "forgot". If you aren't sure where I'm going with this, I'm speaking mostly of growing up with a severely alcoholic father. Alotof him not being there, alot of emotional and mental abuse, never physical. But it was a mind screw none the less. I'm not going to go into ALOT of details. I just can't air the uglys out on my blog TOO much. Know there was alot of alcohol, alot of drugs, alot of screaming, alot of late night waking up.... I grew up way too fast, and in a tiny little way I feel like a little smidge of my child hood was taken away. God bless my mom for holding it all together.

My father is an amazing man. He's funny, and an amazingly talented cook and guitar player...I mean my dad can rip. Not only that but he can catch a fish like no body's business, clean it, and then cook an delicious meal out of it. I LOVE my dad... I do. SOOO very much.  And he was ever so kind to bless me with his ginormous feet and chunky toes....thanks dad! I have forgiven him for anything that's happened...I had to. I had no relationship with my dad for a while, and since have been trying to build it again. So far so good. I had to let go I guess. But the hurt was still there. Its there when I get that nagging feeling of mistrust with men. It's there in the pang of sadness in myheart for mysister, because she did not deal with the situation with him as well as it did. But I have to REALLY let go.  Deal with the demons once and for all. I don't want to have this locked away any more...I need to remember, and remember what I learned and how I got here, the good bad and ugly. I want to continue to learn about who my dad is. He had a disease. I know and recognize that. He doesn't even remember half of it, if not more, but with having that disease, I didn't have the real Rick...the real daddy.

Along with the notebook I found a journal, mostly with alot of poetry, or just word vomit if you will. Sometimes just writing what ever I write with out thinking about it it therapeudic for me...this journal was alot of that. I came across a poem I wrote at 17 years old. I have never let anyone see this...I can remember this night, and picking this journal up and writing it just after something had happened. I actually really let myself READ it today. I mean really feel it. Every word a memory. I'm letting it go by sharing it.

 By sharing it, I acknowledge that it longer locked away.... My mom reads my blog...I know she's going to cry......

-------->Hey momwee....don't cry!! :)
(I do call her Mom-Wee)

And then there's the good times! :)

Graduation 2002