Crawl into a hole?
Cry? sob? Throw a fit? Wig the fuck out?
All of these are things I feel like I'm going to end up doing some time in the very near future...if not 3 seconds from now... For some reason, I've lost the ability to cope with my life.... everything that happens, even the little things are sending me into panic. I feel like I have a 50 pound weight on my chest, and each time I try to take a deep cleansing "chill your ass out" breath, it's stiffled.
Is it weird that just 2 days ago I was fine? Or maybe I was "fine". Maybe after 26 years of forcing myself to smile, even when I didn't want to is finally taking it's toll... Im known for my smile, I was named after the song "sarah smile" (check out a great version by Jimmy Wayne) And I can't seem to curl the corners of my mouth up for the life of me...Im damn near close to using my fingers to do it .I worry SO much about everything and everyone in my life that I might be losing sight of my self...and my heart..
I am scared...Im scared of the future, my present and past at all the same time.... I could sit here for ever and discuss my short comings...but right now my hugest fear is that I will forever be stuggling as a single mom. Struggling to make ends meet, struggling to be a good mom, even though I often feel like I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. I feel like I don't do enough, I don't work hard enough, I'm not patient enough, I don't ever and could NEVER tell my son how much I love him...how much the only thing that keeps me going is him. He is THE soul reason I am here, and the reason why I get up in the morning even though right now, I want to close my eyes and just sink. I don't tell him enough how good of a little boy he is, and how wonderful of a little human being he is...how much his kisses warm my soul. I get so stressed, and frustrated with the trials and tribulations of being alone and raising a 3 year old that I forget to compliment my child, and it leaves me guilt striken.
I cry as I write this, and mybe that's because I need it...I hold the peices together too often...I think for now I'll let them fall.......and as usual, pick them back up and put myself together again.
And as usual put a smile on my face.