Thursday, March 4, 2010

I might just....

Crawl into a hole?

 Scream?
   
Cry? sob? Throw a fit? Wig the fuck out?

All of these are things I feel like I'm going to end up doing some time in the very near future...if not 3 seconds from now...  For some reason, I've lost the ability to cope with my life.... everything that happens, even the little things are sending me into panic. I feel like I have a 50 pound weight on my chest, and each time I try to take a deep cleansing "chill your ass out" breath, it's stiffled. 

 Is it weird that just 2 days ago I was fine? Or maybe I was "fine". Maybe after 26 years of forcing myself to smile, even when I didn't want to is finally taking it's toll... Im known for my smile, I was named after the song "sarah smile" (check out a great version by Jimmy Wayne) And I can't seem to curl the corners of my mouth up for the life of me...Im damn near close to using my fingers to do it .I worry SO much about everything and everyone in my life that I might be losing sight of my self...and my heart..



I am scared...Im scared of the future, my present and past at all the same time.... I could sit here for ever and discuss my short comings...but right now my hugest fear is that I will forever be stuggling as a single mom. Struggling to make ends meet, struggling to be a good mom, even though I often feel like I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.  I feel like I don't do enough, I don't work hard enough, I'm not patient enough, I don't ever and could NEVER tell my son how much I love him...how much the only thing that keeps me going is him. He is THE soul reason I am here, and the reason why I get up in the morning even though right now, I want to close my eyes and just sink. I don't tell him enough how good of a little boy he is, and how wonderful of a little human being he is...how much his kisses warm my soul. I get so stressed, and frustrated with the trials and tribulations of being alone and raising a 3 year old that I forget to compliment my child, and it leaves me guilt striken.

I cry as I write this, and mybe that's because I need it...I hold the peices together too often...I think for now I'll let them fall.......and as usual, pick them back up and put myself together again.

And as usual put a smile on my face.

7 comments:

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I've been there. I've let every little thing piss me off, make me cry, make me worry, etc. Being a single parent is NEVER easy. But it will get better. I promise!! Keep your chin up and remember that the only way to go is UP!! :) I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

Aw, sweet girl, I'm sorry you're going through this. I am certain that you are an amazing mom and the fact that you care so much about the people around you only tells me what a wonderful person you are! And I know that sometimes its hard to care about others and yourself at the same time, I'm exactly like that. I hope my words picked you up a little :) Sometimes a good cry is all you need, so just let it out! And the Jimmy Wayne version of that song? Love it :)

Acting Balanced Mom said...

Hugs to you! I hope that by writing your post today that you've been able to let some of it out... I can't say that I've been there as a single mom, but most of the other stuff I've been through and believe me just crying does sometimes help...
More hugs! I hope tomorrow will be better than today

Stacy said...

Sarah- it's ok to let it all out girl. Go break some dishes (only the ugly ones of course) that always seems to make me feel better...the sound of glasses breaking...but I'm weird so...You're right though. You are not a good mom. Yep. I said it. YOU are an AWESOME mom. You take care of your precious little boy by yourself, work 2 jobs and still find time to take him out to have fun with him. I applaud you and your strength. You f'n rock woman. Everyone doubts themselves but know that "this too shall pass." Love You Chickadee. XOXO

maddismomma said...

totally been there... I don't know if this helps.. but I often think exactly the same way... like from the day Moo was born... I have always second guessed myself... like.. am I doing this enough.. or that enough...it was the biggest responsibility I could imagine... overwhelming at times...I still to this very day struggle with the fear of potentially making one wrong move and screwing up her life because I don't say the right things... or make the right decisions... but srsly... the very fact that you even think about whether you tell your little one often enough how wonderful he is... tells me that you probablly are miles ahead of where you think you are... you are being too hard on yourself... but who am i to talk... lol... i beat myself up all the time...you love him with your heart and soul... and he knows this... its an unspoken feeling he is already getting from you... cuz u r a wonderful mom... we need to remind ourselves of that from time to time... and it is okay to fall to pieces sometimes....i do it regularly... its what makes us human... then we put those pieces back together and keep on moving forward...tommorrow will be a better day... I've really struggled with that one myself... those days where i feel like if one more shitty thing happens to me... i will srsly implode!!! from the inside out... poof! but then one day something great will happen... wait for it... it will come... but until then.. (sigh)... I hate to wait.. i'm soo freaking impatient...and girl.. that smile... gawd I know it like the back of my hand... its that freaking smile we keep on our face for everyone else... it hurts... next time you feel that 'im losing it on the inside... here comes that smile' feeling... try telling someone to eff the eff off... or finger them... lol... and watch their reaction.. oh you'll be smiling then.... I hope your day gets better... I usually go buy myself something I can't really afford... lol... when I feel the hard core blahs.... or call someone who will give me sympathy...when I need it the most... anyhooo... i have totally hyjacked this comments section... shoulda just blogged a post for you... lol... feel better... and shoot me an email if you need to vent... ; ) Maddismomma

VE said...

Blogs are a good place to spill the emotion. Spill on...we're listening at it does matter!

Bryan said...

You are an amazing mom Sarah and you will be totally fine...you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for...you will always have that on the verge of wigging out feeling cause its in your nature but its not because you dont or cant do it its because you care soooo much and love Trevor soooo much...so hang in there cause this too shall pass just like it always does....good luck and stay happy and keep that gorgeous smile on always :)

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