Wonder if the WAHmbulance came and got me after that? Because if I knew the trials and tribulations I would be going through 10years later... man.... If I only knew.... I would have not worried so much about Mike, Tyler, or JJ. because they were guys I would not even remember 10 years from then....I would have listened more in my Intermediate Composition class with Ms. Elliot even if she was weird and listened to strange music during class. I would have known that me not going to Winter Formal was NOT the end of the world... I would have saved the money to go visit my best friend Nik when he moved to Australia..... But really....All of these things happened for a reason...they shaped who I am today. Even though I don't think "hot boxing" my friends car on the way to go shopping was a bright idea. Or getting trashed off of Vodka. OR peeing off the side of a bridge......
One of the letters broke my heart...I was trying to be so tough... I might write more about this later, but my father was an alcoholic, bad... I remember starting to stand up to him, starting to defend myself....being 16 and thinking it was time to put a stop to this...I know now that it did not work, and I would still go through years of hurt with my mom and little sister, due to my father's alcoholism... in this case a boy called me, and my dad, drunk, couldn't remember who it was...
"ugh! I hate my dad! I seriously came so close to punching him in nose last night! He's such a jerk! And it's kind of funny because when he's been drinking and he goes off on me, I just yell back in his face, and if he tells me to go to my room or something, I flat out say "no" right to his face! It's really hard to not start laughing at him because he gets even more pissed when he realizes he has no control over me when he's been drinking, and his face turns red and he has this vein that pops out of the side of his neck! it's really funny!"None of that was funny. It was terrifying... I know now that I was trying to make the situation funny because I was trying to cover up the hurt. I know now that when I'm upset, scared or uncomfortable, the "funny" thing is a mask. I wish I could go back to me 16 year old self and give myself a hug. "Stop being so angry" I would tell myself.
"Your father has to WANT to change, and he won't remember ANY of what he's putting you through, so be strong, take care of your sister and mom, and know that even if you won't get much closure, you'll HAVE to forgive him for this later" I would tell myself. It breaks my heart to read that because I know now, how much the pain from that would change me....how much it would shape me and how I react to men in particular, and how much pain I was really going through then and how much I wanted someone to just understand, and how much I wanted to just be 16.
This notebook, is like a capsule of who I was, am and who I was to become... I didn't know then how my choices would affect my future, how stupid and petty some of then things I was doing were...BUT as stupid and petty as they were, they shaped and molded me into ME. Each choice I made, each hit of pot I smoked....each hot boxed car....each shot of vodka...each bridge peed over, each time I stood up to my father...each boy who broke my heart.
The last entry in the notebook was written by myself in hot pink sparkly gel pen, in my very sloppy teenage scrawl, with a magazine clipping of Mark Mcgrath pasted to the page... I talk about the Red Door, which was my church youth group back then.... here's the quote:
If I could go back to that day, I'd lean in and whisper to my 16 year old self that I was making a GREAT choice...."Don't let go of god" I would tell my self. Even though I know now, that I would let go of god....I would lose grip on my Christianity for years to come after that. And then find him again later.... but little did I know, the Red Door outreaches that were to come would plant the seed. The seed that would stay there waiting to grow for a long time.
"Carly, when is that Red Door thing happening? We're not going to Magic Mountain tomorrow, obviously, because its raining, so I'm going to go w/ the church to play broom ball. That is SO much fun!! I LOVE Red Door outreaches"
But it was there, and stayed there the whole time, for me to find again later... it happens to be one of the best choices I made ...... Back in the days when I was my 16 year old self.