Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger...

I got a wild hair up my you know what, the other night and completely rearranged my room....I the process I went through a couple boxes that I haven't been through in a long long time....it was one of those boxes that has all of you "blast from the past" stuff in it....pictures from high school, memories, trinkets etc. While I was digging/tripping out I found this:

My two friends and I who you will see in the picture in the center (from L to R: Myself, Allison, Carly)  started this note book in high school, our Sophomore year....2000! 10 years ago. TEN. We would write notes to each other, keep it for 2 days, and then pas it along to the next girl out of the 3 of us, who would then do the same. This notebook, is a written reminder of who I was then. I was 16 years old. With no worries other than boys, sneaking out, school, and why I for the life of me could NOT understand "Moles and Atoms" in chem class. I'll quote myself....

"Carly...do you understand all this Mole & and Atom crap in chem? It's not hard but I'm SO sick of Dimensional Analysis and Sig Figs! Chemistry is the most horrible class I have EVER taken!"
Wonder if the WAHmbulance came and got me after that? Because if I knew the trials and tribulations I would be going through 10years later... man.... If I only knew.... I would have not worried so much about Mike, Tyler, or JJ.  because they were guys I would not even remember 10 years from then....I would have listened more  in my Intermediate Composition class with Ms. Elliot even if she was weird and listened to strange music during class.  I would have known that me not going to Winter Formal was NOT the end of the world... I would have saved the money to go visit my best friend Nik when he moved to Australia..... But really....All of these things happened for a reason...they shaped who I am today.   Even though I don't think "hot boxing" my friends car on the way to go shopping was a bright idea. Or getting trashed off of Vodka. OR peeing off the side of a bridge......

One of the letters broke my heart...I was trying to be so tough... I might write more about this later, but my father was an alcoholic, bad... I remember starting to stand up to him, starting to defend myself....being 16 and thinking it was time to put a stop to this...I know now that it did not work, and I would still go through years of hurt with my mom and little sister, due to my father's alcoholism... in this case a boy called me, and my dad, drunk, couldn't remember who it was...

"ugh! I hate my dad! I seriously came so close to punching him in nose last night! He's such a jerk! And it's kind of funny because when he's been drinking and he goes off on me, I just yell back in his face, and if he tells me to go to my room or something, I flat out say "no" right to his face! It's really hard to not start laughing at him because he gets even more pissed when he realizes he has no control over me when he's been drinking, and his face turns red and he has this vein that pops out of the side of his neck! it's really funny!"
None of that was funny. It was terrifying... I know now that I was trying to make the situation funny because I was trying to cover up the hurt. I know now that when I'm upset, scared or uncomfortable, the "funny" thing is a mask. I wish I could go back to me 16 year old self and give myself a hug. "Stop being so angry" I would tell myself.

 "Your father has to WANT to change, and he won't remember ANY of what he's putting you through, so be strong, take care of your sister and mom, and know that even if you won't get much closure, you'll HAVE to forgive him for this later" I would tell myself.  It breaks my heart to read that because I know now, how much the pain from that would change me....how much it would shape me and how I react to men in particular, and how much pain I was really going through then and how much I wanted someone to just understand, and how much I wanted to just be 16. 

This notebook, is like a capsule of who I was, am and who I was to become... I didn't know then how my choices would affect my future, how stupid and petty some of then things I was doing were...BUT as stupid and petty as they were, they shaped and molded me into ME.  Each choice I made, each hit of pot I smoked....each hot boxed car....each shot of vodka...each bridge peed over, each time I stood up to my father...each boy who broke my heart.

The last entry in the notebook was written by myself in hot pink sparkly gel pen, in my very sloppy teenage scrawl, with a magazine clipping of Mark Mcgrath pasted to the page... I talk about the Red Door, which was my church youth group back then.... here's the quote:

    "Carly, when is that Red Door thing happening? We're not going to Magic Mountain tomorrow, obviously, because its raining, so I'm going to go w/ the church to play broom ball. That is SO much fun!! I LOVE Red Door outreaches"
If I could go back to that day, I'd lean in and whisper to my 16 year old self that I was making a GREAT choice...."Don't let go of god" I would tell my self. Even though I know now, that I would let go of god....I would lose grip on my Christianity for years to come after that. And then find him again later.... but little did I know, the Red Door outreaches that were to come would plant the seed. The seed that would stay there waiting to grow for a long time.

But it was there, and stayed there the whole time, for me to find again later... it happens to be one of the best choices I made ...... Back in the days when I was my 16 year old self.


MommyLovesStilettos said...

I love this. I think back to things that happened when I was kid and I am just shocked most of the time. And sometimes I wish I could go back and know certain things then...but I know that our past really does create who we are now. *HUGS*

Lourie said...

I wish I had the letters and journals I kept when I was young. They are all gone. What a wonderful thing to be able to look back and see how you have grown.

Jimmy said...

A lot of things we went through growing up if we had a do over or a chance to react to with the knowledge we have now sad to say we would probably do the exact same way we did then, but a whisper of hope or a little hug would have made it a lot easier.

I went through a lot of the alcohol abuse situations through a step father who was Do as I say not as I do type of person who I would like to have had a little "it's going to be alright" whispered in my ear but this could turn into a whole post.

I will sum it up with saying Excellent post Sarah and you are so right in pointing out that our experiences then have shaped who we are now.

Kerri said...

I have journals sort of like this. Reading them makes me feel strange almost, revisiting a time when everything was SO different then it is now.

It's a wonderful way to gain new perspective and it sounds like that's exactly what it helped you do!

Susan said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you for letting me visit.
I also like your music, I would love to know how you put music on a blog, I would love to put some on my own. Nice job.

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