Facing my Demons

This all started when I rearranged my room....I just HAD to start digging through old things...I found a certain notebook,( I wrote about it here.) In said notebook I kind of rediscovered who I was and how I came to be who I am. I've re-read this note book a couple times before the other day, but maybe I just wasn't ready to let myself deal with some of what I went through, back then. Alot of what happened and what I felt has been locked up in a special hidey place in my head. In a way I "forgot". If you aren't sure where I'm going with this, I'm speaking mostly of growing up with a severely alcoholic father. Alotof him not being there, alot of emotional and mental abuse, never physical. But it was a mind screw none the less. I'm not going to go into ALOT of details. I just can't air the uglys out on my blog TOO much. Know there was alot of alcohol, alot of drugs, alot of screaming, alot of late night waking up.... I grew up way too fast, and in a tiny little way I feel like a little smidge of my child hood was taken away. God bless my mom for holding it all together.

My father is an amazing man. He's funny, and an amazingly talented cook and guitar player...I mean my dad can rip. Not only that but he can catch a fish like no body's business, clean it, and then cook an delicious meal out of it. I LOVE my dad... I do. SOOO very much.  And he was ever so kind to bless me with his ginormous feet and chunky toes....thanks dad! I have forgiven him for anything that's happened...I had to. I had no relationship with my dad for a while, and since have been trying to build it again. So far so good. I had to let go I guess. But the hurt was still there. Its there when I get that nagging feeling of mistrust with men. It's there in the pang of sadness in myheart for mysister, because she did not deal with the situation with him as well as it did. But I have to REALLY let go.  Deal with the demons once and for all. I don't want to have this locked away any more...I need to remember, and remember what I learned and how I got here, the good bad and ugly. I want to continue to learn about who my dad is. He had a disease. I know and recognize that. He doesn't even remember half of it, if not more, but with having that disease, I didn't have the real Rick...the real daddy.

Along with the notebook I found a journal, mostly with alot of poetry, or just word vomit if you will. Sometimes just writing what ever I write with out thinking about it it therapeudic for me...this journal was alot of that. I came across a poem I wrote at 17 years old. I have never let anyone see this...I can remember this night, and picking this journal up and writing it just after something had happened. I actually really let myself READ it today. I mean really feel it. Every word a memory. I'm letting it go by sharing it.

 By sharing it, I acknowledge that it happened...no longer locked away.... My mom reads my blog...I know she's going to cry......

-------->Hey momwee....don't cry!! :)

(I do call her Mom-Wee)

And then there's the good times! :)

Graduation 2002

And now for something completely different

I couldn't give you a post with that title and NOT throw this vid in.... *wink wink nudge nudge say no more* Monty Python's "And Now for something Completely Different" is hilarious, For those of you who like Monty Python and knew exactly what my title meant when you read it, you get a prize. What's the surprise you ask??? uh.....well let me get back to you on that!


Monday's are usually for "My favorite things" and this is just that only a little bit different... I'm finding it difficult to keep up with My favorite things....I mean in theory it's easy...but after a few times doing it, the way I do it, with pics/vids/sound bytes what have you, its getting to be time consuming... and I woke up late this morning...long story short I'm not doing a full blown My Favorite things, but a modified one...and for those of you who linked up last week ( I think there were only two, Thanks Jimmy, and FP mamma) or for those who where thinking about it, I may or may not cut the lists down to 5....I don't know.... we all know decisions are tough for me.


One of my favorite things to do with Trevor is take him to where my mom works....yup, sounds strange, but my mommy works at Armstrong garden Center, that's right....I, the bonified "plant killer" have a mother with a green thumb.... I can remember growing up in Middle school and all through highschool, with a garden in out front yard that people would literally stop and take pictures of....our front yard looked like the Botanical gardens at 33965....yet I cannot keep a plant alive for the life of me....and being that my mom works at a nursey, plants are a fairly normal gift or surprise....always with the disclaimer "Ok, you won't need to water this plant for at least a week, lets see if you can keep this one alive"  I even kill cacti.  I digress. I take trevor there not only to see his Grams, but to run around...its out doors, theres TONS of beautiful plants for him to look at, water fountains etc.  He loves it. And so do I.   The last time I was there, spring had totally sprung. There were, happy, perky, beautiful and very colorful flowers EVERYWHERE. I LOVE them.  I guess my green thumb mama rubbed off her appreciation for the beauty of plants/flowers on me.

Ahhhh....they make me smile! And hopefully they did the same for you! I love making people smile...it's like my job or something. If i can make someone smile by putting on a mokey suit and dancing the Macerena with a cowboy hat I'll do it if thats what it takes! Don't get any ideas!  I will only take drastic measures if neccessary. Making people smile is another one of my favorite things. I like to turn people's frowns UPSIDE DOWN!  I guess I know how much I appreciate someone making me smile when I need it the most. Or when I'm just having a disgusting day, and a gesture or a few kind words from someone just totally turns it around... I love that. Or even better, laughing with a total stranger. Its great to find someone you don't even know who just randomly has the same sense of humor as you. Or turning something that makes you just smile into an all out, balls to the wall giggle attack... the kind that make you pee your pants.....yes, I pee  my pants if I laugh too hard, what of it?  I try to do little things for people to put a smile on their face... sometimes it's a big cheesy smile from myself....or if I'm at work I do this:

Just TRY to tell me that you would NOT smile if you saw that on the top of your smoothie!

So tell me....did YOU smile reading this? Please don't make me take drastic measures, just SMILE already!! :)

One last attempt:

Did it work?

Sunday Funday AND Getting to know YOU

I thought maybe I would do a double feature today, just cause I'm cool like that...or at least that's what my mama tells me! Do you get the memo that it was Sunday Funday??  We went to church, headed to the harbor for a little walk,  and then to Wahoo's for lunch...I have an obsession with Wahoo's in case you don't remember.  Now for a few pictures and then on to getting to know you!

Getting to church

The kissyface was a popular pose today.

Can you tell the sun was in my eyes?

Don't mind me....just layin.

Reading me a magazine

Yeah, that's right....I'm excited to eat Wahoo's!

Omnomnomnom

The decor at Wahoo's...random stickers, surf and skate.

My DELISH shrimp and grilled chicken tacos

Eat at Wahoo's!

meeeeeeeee!

Getting to know YOU!!!!

I'm linking up with Keely over at Mannland5...you

should too! All the cool kids are doing it!

1. Are you superstitious?

Only a little...you know "see a penny pick it up", knock on wood, throwing salt over the should when you spill etc

2. If you were an animal..what kind would you be?
"Dear god, make me a bird, so I can fly.."


3. You would never catch me wearing.........?
Hoochie skirts, tapered jeans, a bathing suit?


4. If someone posts a VLOG..do you watch it?
Hells yeah!

5. Have you ever waxed your girlie/manly parts..or any other part of your body?
I have not...although I've heard it's much easier...I just don't know how I feel about a stranger down in my no no special spot



6. Are you a spender or a saver?
Sa-ver??? What's this "saver" you speak of??


7. If you were starring in a movie..who would you want to play your leading man/woman?
Easy. Gerard Butler or Jeffery Dean Morgan.



8. Smoker..never smoked..social smoker..or smoked back in the day?
Unfortunately I fall into 3 of these categories



Real quick...all the things/people I'm praying for today

-The people in Tennessee and the surrounding states getting pounded by rain
-All those less fortunate than I
-The orphans or homeless children all over the world
-My father
-YOU!!! :)

That's all for today folks, I can't believe it's May 2nd already...time is flying, my mom always told me to enjoy life because it goes too fast...I think mine is set on warp speed! I hope you all are having a wonderful first couple days of May!

 

Late night Friday Fragments

I haven't fragmented in what seems like forever, this Friday seemed like a Fragment day...especially since I've practically neglected my blog for almost a week, I've been trying to keep up with the reading, but the writing part was lacking for me...brain flatuance, mostly....Yup. I said it...brain farts. I have 'em all the time, BF's are a pretty regular thing for me these days! You'll get used to it.  So with out any further rambling, I'm joining Mrs. 4444 over at Half Past Kissin' Time for Friday Fragments!


**** Went and saw 'The Losers' with my honey last night, it wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it wasn't horrible... The Rolling Stone have it 2 1/2 stars...and I gotta say I agree. But all and all the movie was pretty funny for the most part, a little cheesy in some parts, alot of bang bang shoot 'em up mixed with comedy type thing...and the company was awesome too!

Before the movie <3

****I've been working on my pa-pa-pa-poker face...my boyfriend taught me how to play Texas Hold 'em, and I love it. We definitely don't play for money, for obvious reasons. Just chips. I was pretty proud of myself the other night because I was the only girl playing and I cleaned them out... not the whole time but enough to make me happy.

This:Gave me-----> This:YAY!

****I now have an acute obsession with Yogurt Land...this place totally trumps Golden Spoon any day. Red Velvet Cake frozen yogurt with White Chocolate chips is just something that cannot be beat...I'm practically drooling right now thinking about it. Delicious.       

Where have you been all my life!?

****I'm so excited I get some time off and time to spend with my boy in the next couple days... I miss him so freakin' much when he's away, his cute little "I missed you Mommy!" makes my day life.

Just because its cute.

****Is it weird that I move my bead in a different direction and I sleep differently now because of it? According to Feng Shui you should never face your bed towards your door, which was the way I had it BEFORE, I rotated it the other diection....I like it better aesthetically, but from a functionality point of view its a bit of a pain, going to take some getting used to.

**** Can I please tell you how utterly thrilled I am there is a new Sookie Stackhouse novel coming out May 10th!!!!!!

I have been following this series for quite some time now, and have read the books all more than once. The HBO series 'True Blood' is based on this book series....and the books are WAYYY better than the shows, even if the shows are effin' fantastic.

They're like a drug

That's all folks, I hope we all had a awesome Friday, and have an awesome weekend ahead!

I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger...

I got a wild hair up my you know what, the other night and completely rearranged my room....I the process I went through a couple boxes that I haven't been through in a long long time....it was one of those boxes that has all of you "blast from the past" stuff in it....pictures from high school, memories, trinkets etc. While I was digging/tripping out I found this:

My two friends and I who you will see in the picture in the center (from L to R: Myself, Allison, Carly)  started this note book in high school, our Sophomore year....2000! 10 years ago. TEN. We would write notes to each other, keep it for 2 days, and then pas it along to the next girl out of the 3 of us, who would then do the same. This notebook, is a written reminder of who I was then. I was 16 years old. With no worries other than boys, sneaking out, school, and why I for the life of me could NOT understand "Moles and Atoms" in chem class. I'll quote myself....

"Carly...do you understand all this Mole & and Atom crap in chem? It's not hard but I'm SO sick of Dimensional Analysis and Sig Figs! Chemistry is the most horrible class I have EVER taken!"

Wonder if the WAHmbulance came and got me after that? Because if I knew the trials and tribulations I would be going through 10years later... man.... If I only knew.... I would have not worried so much about Mike, Tyler, or JJ.  because they were guys I would not even remember 10 years from then....I would have listened more  in my Intermediate Composition class with Ms. Elliot even if she was weird and listened to strange music during class.  I would have known that me not going to Winter Formal was NOT the end of the world... I would have saved the money to go visit my best friend Nik when he moved to Australia..... But really....All of these things happened for a reason...they shaped who I am today.   Even though I don't think "hot boxing" my friends car on the way to go shopping was a bright idea. Or getting trashed off of Vodka. OR peeing off the side of a bridge......

One of the letters broke my heart...I was trying to be so tough... I might write more about this later, but my father was an alcoholic, bad... I remember starting to stand up to him, starting to defend myself....being 16 and thinking it was time to put a stop to this...I know now that it did not work, and I would still go through years of hurt with my mom and little sister, due to my father's alcoholism... in this case a boy called me, and my dad, drunk, couldn't remember who it was...

"ugh! I hate my dad! I seriously came so close to punching him in nose last night! He's such a jerk! And it's kind of funny because when he's been drinking and he goes off on me, I just yell back in his face, and if he tells me to go to my room or something, I flat out say "no" right to his face! It's really hard to not start laughing at him because he gets even more pissed when he realizes he has no control over me when he's been drinking, and his face turns red and he has this vein that pops out of the side of his neck! it's really funny!"

None of that was funny. It was terrifying... I know now that I was trying to make the situation funny because I was trying to cover up the hurt. I know now that when I'm upset, scared or uncomfortable, the "funny" thing is a mask. I wish I could go back to me 16 year old self and give myself a hug. "Stop being so angry" I would tell myself.


 "Your father has to WANT to change, and he won't remember ANY of what he's putting you through, so be strong, take care of your sister and mom, and know that even if you won't get much closure, you'll HAVE to forgive him for this later" I would tell myself.  It breaks my heart to read that because I know now, how much the pain from that would change me....how much it would shape me and how I react to men in particular, and how much pain I was really going through then and how much I wanted someone to just understand, and how much I wanted to just be 16. 


This notebook, is like a capsule of who I was, am and who I was to become... I didn't know then how my choices would affect my future, how stupid and petty some of then things I was doing were...BUT as stupid and petty as they were, they shaped and molded me into ME.  Each choice I made, each hit of pot I smoked....each hot boxed car....each shot of vodka...each bridge peed over, each time I stood up to my father...each boy who broke my heart.


The last entry in the notebook was written by myself in hot pink sparkly gel pen, in my very sloppy teenage scrawl, with a magazine clipping of Mark Mcgrath pasted to the page... I talk about the Red Door, which was my church youth group back then.... here's the quote:

    "Carly, when is that Red Door thing happening? We're not going to Magic Mountain tomorrow, obviously, because its raining, so I'm going to go w/ the church to play broom ball. That is SO much fun!! I LOVE Red Door outreaches"

If I could go back to that day, I'd lean in and whisper to my 16 year old self that I was making a GREAT choice...."Don't let go of god" I would tell my self. Even though I know now, that I would let go of god....I would lose grip on my Christianity for years to come after that. And then find him again later.... but little did I know, the Red Door outreaches that were to come would plant the seed. The seed that would stay there waiting to grow for a long time.


But it was there, and stayed there the whole time, for me to find again later... it happens to be one of the best choices I made ...... Back in the days when I was my 16 year old self.

My favorite things Monday: randomized

For some reason the little spot in my brain where I ponder my blog posts has been completely blank....we're talking crickets y'all.  Just nothin'. I could not wait to get to Monday because at least I knew I would have something for you's guys. Sometimes I just need a little hiatus I guess!   This weeks My favorite things I going to be random, just a mish mash of some of my favorite things in no particular category....

Numero Uno:   Rain

I am one of those people who thinks ugly weather is sometimes

more beautiful than sunny weather.... there's something about rain...

the sound, the way it feels, and don't even get me started on the smell.

Numero dos: The ocean

I've lived with the ocean not more than 15 minutes away my whole life,

and with a father who practically has salt water in his veins, I've grown to

love and appreciate all that the ocean is. 

Numero tres: Disneyland

The amount of excitement I feel even just saying the words Disney Land is

almost enough to make me squeel. I transform into a 4 year old the second

I step for into D land......I LOOOVE it.  At the entrance there is a sign that says

"Here you leave today, and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy"

So true.... *sigh*

Numero cuatro: Coffee

The picture above says enough :)

Numero cinco: Office Supplies

I will stand and drool over pens, post-its, markers etc. Even if I have

no reason to buy them.... Its the little things in life like a cute wire paper

clip holder with a magnet in the rim.....

Numero seis: Babies laughing

you get a video for this one....it's one of my faves, along with this one and also this one.

There might be something seriously wrong with you, if you arent at least smiling at this point.

Numero siete: Fire places

I could sit and roast by a fire place on a cold, rainy winter day

for hours, I love the cracking sound of wood as it burns...there's

nothing like it! Especially if its at my gram's house!

Numero ocho: Kisses!

I don't think this one needs much description...we all know why I love kisses so much!

Numero nueve: Christmas

Christmas for me is a time for traditions, family, and magic....the magic of Chrismas

is like none other! And as for traditions, 'A christmas Story' is one of mine!

Numero dies: Rainbow Sandles

These are the exact sandles that I practically live in...if you do not own

a pair of Rainbows I strongly suggest you do... They are worth the 45 bucks

and you will have them for YEARS....the longer you own them the

more they form to YOUR foot, and the softer and more comfy the leather gets!

People wear them untill the look like this:

And even then you're sad to throw them out because that means

you have to start over!

You should totally link up...I'd love to see your list!

Monkeyin' around

This post is going to be all pictures of my fantastically adorable son at the park, and I might sneak in a couple extras! We had so much fun, and he wore him self out, it was awesome! Nothing better than a tired 3 year old, cause then all he wants to do after is cuddle :)

King of the castle

THE most adorable picture EVAH

Trying to escape the grips of the "mamarazzi"

SUCCESS! I get a kiss!

Well hello!

Doing exactly what he looks like he's doing...

SCREAMING :)

Enjoying the ride

"Imma monstah in a cave mom! Rawr!"

He had to look down....

Monkeyin'

Looks like he's practicinghis modeling skills

And these are totally unrelated!

I had been talking to Michelle over at Mommy Loves Stillettos about

Wheat grass...I actually took a picture for you Michelle, so you could

see what I was talking about, unless of course you already knew what it looked

like, in that case Nm lol

Here it is juiced

ANNNND last but certainly not least, the AMAZINGLY cheap black and pick Converse high tops

that I am in love with!

FIFTEEN DOLLARS @ TJ Maxx!!!! Yeah boy!