Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Facing my Demons

This all started when I rearranged my room....I just HAD to start digging through old things...I found a certain notebook,( I wrote about it here.) In said notebook I kind of rediscovered who I was and how I came to be who I am. I've re-read this note book a couple times before the other day, but maybe I just wasn't ready to let myself deal with some of what I went through, back then. Alot of what happened and what I felt has been locked up in a special hidey place in my head. In a way I "forgot". If you aren't sure where I'm going with this, I'm speaking mostly of growing up with a severely alcoholic father. Alotof him not being there, alot of emotional and mental abuse, never physical. But it was a mind screw none the less. I'm not going to go into ALOT of details. I just can't air the uglys out on my blog TOO much. Know there was alot of alcohol, alot of drugs, alot of screaming, alot of late night waking up.... I grew up way too fast, and in a tiny little way I feel like a little smidge of my child hood was taken away. God bless my mom for holding it all together.

My father is an amazing man. He's funny, and an amazingly talented cook and guitar player...I mean my dad can rip. Not only that but he can catch a fish like no body's business, clean it, and then cook an delicious meal out of it. I LOVE my dad... I do. SOOO very much.  And he was ever so kind to bless me with his ginormous feet and chunky toes....thanks dad! I have forgiven him for anything that's happened...I had to. I had no relationship with my dad for a while, and since have been trying to build it again. So far so good. I had to let go I guess. But the hurt was still there. Its there when I get that nagging feeling of mistrust with men. It's there in the pang of sadness in myheart for mysister, because she did not deal with the situation with him as well as it did. But I have to REALLY let go.  Deal with the demons once and for all. I don't want to have this locked away any more...I need to remember, and remember what I learned and how I got here, the good bad and ugly. I want to continue to learn about who my dad is. He had a disease. I know and recognize that. He doesn't even remember half of it, if not more, but with having that disease, I didn't have the real Rick...the real daddy.

Along with the notebook I found a journal, mostly with alot of poetry, or just word vomit if you will. Sometimes just writing what ever I write with out thinking about it it therapeudic for me...this journal was alot of that. I came across a poem I wrote at 17 years old. I have never let anyone see this...I can remember this night, and picking this journal up and writing it just after something had happened. I actually really let myself READ it today. I mean really feel it. Every word a memory. I'm letting it go by sharing it.

 By sharing it, I acknowledge that it happened...no longer locked away.... My mom reads my blog...I know she's going to cry......

-------->Hey momwee....don't cry!! :)
(I do call her Mom-Wee)




And then there's the good times! :)

Graduation 2002

13 comments:

Kerri said...

Sarah,

Thanks for sharing that. You are a strong person and you will let go of the past, you will see all that is in front of you NOW. You will.
Keep working at this, keep sharing it, and letting it go.
I'm sorry your heart had to feel this kind of pain and at such a young age.
Keep your head up. You're amazing.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Oh honey...I totally can relate. My dad is a raging alcoholic as well and I still hold so much resentment towards him in my heart. It's so hard to let go and forgive. *HUGS*

Cleo said...

"Poopies"???? LMBO!!! And I thought "Punk" was bad! ;) (kiddin')

Thanks so much for swingin' by the blog...really is an encouragement to get feedback (i.e. commentary)!

Thank you so much, Sarah for sharing a piece of your heart, and that beautiful poem. Soooo much of what you said dredges up memories from my own haunted past. Here's the irony: I have a sister named "Sara" who hasn't handled the issues with our father well! Anyhow, my father was not an alcoholic or druggie, but he was mentally perturbed (think manic-depressive meets bi-polar) and he abducted my brother and i when we were in elementary school, leaving my preschool sister behind. It's been a LONG road...but as you said, came to the realization years ago that in order to start the healing process and be able to move forward MINUS the pain & guilt, I had to forgive. Been tough. Anyhow, much love to you... Stay strong!

Cleo said...

"Poopies"???? LMBO!!! And I thought "Punk" was bad! ;) (kiddin')

Thanks so much for swingin' by the blog...really is an encouragement to get feedback (i.e. commentary)!

Thank you so much, Sarah for sharing a piece of your heart, and that beautiful poem. Soooo much of what you said dredges up memories from my own haunted past. Here's the irony: I have a sister named "Sara" who hasn't handled the issues with our father well! Anyhow, my father was not an alcoholic or druggie, but he was mentally perturbed (think manic-depressive meets bi-polar) and he abducted my brother and i when we were in elementary school, leaving my preschool sister behind. It's been a LONG road...but as you said, came to the realization years ago that in order to start the healing process and be able to move forward MINUS the pain & guilt, I had to forgive. Been tough. Anyhow, much love to you... Stay strong!

FairyPrincessMamma said...

That was a wonderful... yet I'm sure sooo difficult post... : ) You are a strong wonderful amazing woman : )... I have been avoiding that box for some time.. it is burried under many other boxes somewhere in my garage... it hurts... but it heals.... to go through all that stuff... but I think it brings us back to who we were... and then who we have become... kinda re connects us to ourselves.... im still working up the courage to go there.... you should be so proud of yourself for having the courage : ) I think making peace with our past... gives us the strength to move forward.... *hugs*

Double Wide Mom said...

wow! Congratulations on dealing with those demons! You are so real, so authentic in your blog. Thank you. I feel as if you have continually given me a gift of yourself each time I come here.

Lourie said...

My dad is an alcoholic too. I could relate to a lot of this post. Thank you for sharing this; I guess there are more of us out there than I realized.

Allyson & Jere said...

I just don't even know what to say to that. It was so real and so honest. Thank you for being willing to share pieces of yourself like that. That is so hard and scary, and you did it so beautifully. Your poem was amazing, and made me tear up a little. I hate that any child EVER has to suffer like that, EVER! I'm so glad to see that you seem to have made it out a better and stronger person.

Anyway, thanks so much for stopping by my blog and taking the time to comment, AND follow, that is so fabulous!

And finally, my bro. lived in Mission Viejo for awhile, beautiful place.

dusty earth mother said...

that was so sad! i'm thrilled that it turned around for you and your dad--so many people don't get that chance.

Krajcimama said...

Hang in there - I'm sure you know that facing demons isn't an easy thing or something that you only do once...they keep creeping back in and trying to do more damage. It sounds like you are in a very healthy place, though - and that is AWESOME! Kick 'em in the butt!

I was blessed with wonderful parents and they did an amazing job - but I have my own demons that I don't talk about...I probably won't ever share them on my blog - they have to do with a guy and a lot of hurt but nothing I'm ready to talk about. You are an amazing person and I really admire you for being able to write about this!

Lin said...

Great post. It's good that you're making progress & dealing with your demons. Letting go is the healthiest thing to do...learn from it & become a better person.

Stopping by from SITS :)

Anonymous said...

I Love you so much Sarah...You have grown into a beautiful strong women...I admire you my sweet Sarah!!

Love, Your one and only Mom~Wee

The Drama Mama said...

I have had a bad week too, so I have been negligent in commenting and blog hopping myself, so I am just getting to this one. And it made me cry too, because it sounds like my voice and my heart aching in your poem.

It took me a long time, and many rebellious errors along the way, before I could let go. When I do have to revisit those memories now, it's like it happened to someone else, but I can still remember the pain.

You are a courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story.

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