Facing my Demons

This all started when I rearranged my room....I just HAD to start digging through old things...I found a certain notebook,( I wrote about it here.) In said notebook I kind of rediscovered who I was and how I came to be who I am. I've re-read this note book a couple times before the other day, but maybe I just wasn't ready to let myself deal with some of what I went through, back then. Alot of what happened and what I felt has been locked up in a special hidey place in my head. In a way I "forgot". If you aren't sure where I'm going with this, I'm speaking mostly of growing up with a severely alcoholic father. Alotof him not being there, alot of emotional and mental abuse, never physical. But it was a mind screw none the less. I'm not going to go into ALOT of details. I just can't air the uglys out on my blog TOO much. Know there was alot of alcohol, alot of drugs, alot of screaming, alot of late night waking up.... I grew up way too fast, and in a tiny little way I feel like a little smidge of my child hood was taken away. God bless my mom for holding it all together.

My father is an amazing man. He's funny, and an amazingly talented cook and guitar player...I mean my dad can rip. Not only that but he can catch a fish like no body's business, clean it, and then cook an delicious meal out of it. I LOVE my dad... I do. SOOO very much.  And he was ever so kind to bless me with his ginormous feet and chunky toes....thanks dad! I have forgiven him for anything that's happened...I had to. I had no relationship with my dad for a while, and since have been trying to build it again. So far so good. I had to let go I guess. But the hurt was still there. Its there when I get that nagging feeling of mistrust with men. It's there in the pang of sadness in myheart for mysister, because she did not deal with the situation with him as well as it did. But I have to REALLY let go.  Deal with the demons once and for all. I don't want to have this locked away any more...I need to remember, and remember what I learned and how I got here, the good bad and ugly. I want to continue to learn about who my dad is. He had a disease. I know and recognize that. He doesn't even remember half of it, if not more, but with having that disease, I didn't have the real Rick...the real daddy.

Along with the notebook I found a journal, mostly with alot of poetry, or just word vomit if you will. Sometimes just writing what ever I write with out thinking about it it therapeudic for me...this journal was alot of that. I came across a poem I wrote at 17 years old. I have never let anyone see this...I can remember this night, and picking this journal up and writing it just after something had happened. I actually really let myself READ it today. I mean really feel it. Every word a memory. I'm letting it go by sharing it.

 By sharing it, I acknowledge that it happened...no longer locked away.... My mom reads my blog...I know she's going to cry......

-------->Hey momwee....don't cry!! :)

(I do call her Mom-Wee)

And then there's the good times! :)

Graduation 2002