Two things happened this week that I feel have given me strength or insight or I don't know, a different point of view on my situation. I went to church for the first time in years and I read this blog post, by a girl who continually inspires me, and makes me smile. But before I get to either here's a little back ground info.
I met my son's father in October of 2005, I was a waitress living with my father, working for no reason other than making payments on a car that soon after got repoed, and to pay a very small amount of rent... I partied, and lived life like things would never be different. February of 2006 I was pregnant. Life took a very serious turn. Our very new and very not stable relationship turned into something that neither one of us was ready for. I had dreams that he and I would raise our child together and there would be nothing that would tear us apart. BEACAUSE of our son. I was foolish. And in denial. Now, don't misunderstand me. My son was NOT the reason he and I didn't work. We were not meant to be. I ignored the warning signs in the beginning of our relationship, warning signs that should have sent me running, but I didn't. Now maybe this was a case of devine intervention...god wanted me to be there, maybe I was meant to go through that so I could be the person I am today.
I am now 26, and the mother of a wonderful little boy who has taught me so much, who has changed my life, and my reasons for doing things. The mother of a little boy, who wakes up every morning I am with him, and whether I'm really awake or not, says "Good morning mommy, I missed you" Now if that aint a blessing then I don't know what is. My son. Is a BLESSING! But I do struggle sometimes with being a single mother. I see families with their kids, mom and dad happily married. Maybe theyre well off, maybe they struggle, but the one thing they have is a support system in the form of eachother. I struggle with the fact that I am on my own...its just me and myself, making sure MY little family stays together. The world is on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel SO alone. Even if I know I'm not, it's hard sometimes being the kid who can't go outside and play when they're watching all of their friends doing it. I won't lie when I FEEL the stigma attatched to single mothers... it's in people's reactions when I'm asked a question like "Do you and your husband both work" and my answer is "I was never married, and no, his father and I are not together" I see the judgement in some peoples eyes, but I cannot change the fact that I like so many, am a single mother. This is my life, my son is my reason for living, and I WOULD NOT be the person I am today with out him. That does not, however, mean that it isn't tough, or that I don't get down on myself. I rent a room, I do not have a college degree, and I am un-married. All things that I will struggle through changing. I WILL go to school. I WILL have a cute little place for my boy and I one day. And who knows, maybe one day I WILL be married.
Now on to the 2 things that happened this week.... I have been feeling the need for something in my life...My boyfriend was the main encouraging factor to me going to church. He wanted me to be more in touch with my self and god. And the more we talked about it the more I felt like god was tugging at my heart strings... "Sarah, go to church, reconnect with me, PLEASE." Last sunday I went, trevor went to his little sunday school class, and it was just me and the man upstairs. I had no friends with me, or people that I knew there. Just my long lost friend God. I can't tell you how it felt. I felt comfortable, safe and I felt rejuvenated. The pastor was reading through Acts 6, where the Grecian jews were complaining to the Hebraic jews that their widows were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food, back in these days if you were a widow with no sons to help support you, you were destitute. You had no one. The pastor went on to say that there were grecian men appointed to fix the problem. To make sure that these women were not alone. He then said, " By saying the word "widow", I do not only mean, "your husband died". I am speaking to the single mothers out there. You are NOT alone."
These were the words I needed to hear. I thanked him after the service, and he in turn thanked ME.
On to the second thing...I've told you guys about this girl before...Kandee Johnson. Her blog posts are always SO uplifting, her words put a smile on my face, and sometimes bring a tear to my eye. Her post today about being a single mother, was another thing I needed. I am going to quote her here and you'll see why:
"Just when I thought that my dreams were slipping away from me even more, little did I know, that all the steps that I thought were going backwards.....God was actually pulling me back, just like a "catapult" or slingshot....(they have to go backwards....but then they launch whatever they're holding...so far ahead of anything else!)....to put me in a place that even I didn't know I could dream of.Maybe *I* could do the same.... never stop working towards my goals, maybe *I* could be the strong one and encourage fellow single mama's that they are NOT alone, and they CAN and will reach their goals. Hers and pastor Peter-john's words touched me. And things are going to start happening for me. Maybe not right away, but they will. I just have to keep trying, keep inspiring myself, keep smiling.... keep LIVING.
I could touch people's hearts, encourage their dreams, and give hope to precious hearts that feel like all hope is gone. I can be a friend, someone, maybe one voice that can keep your dreams alive.
If you are a mama, and feel like you can't accomplish your goals....first, being a mom is the most amazing, honorable thing you'll ever do. It doesn't matter what people say about you or tell you, I've heard some of the most ridiculous things that people have said to me or about me...but the one thing is, God knows the truth, he knows what he has waiting for each one of us!"
Ladies, if one or any of you are a sinlge mama, you are NOT alone....I want you to know that I am HERE. We can help eachother. I will be there to encourage you, and tell you over and over if need be, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That you can reach your dreams, that you can acheive your goals.... I (along with god if you want) will be your kandeeJohnsonPeter-John!! Here's my hand...I'm reaching out if you need me!!!
Sometimes all you need is a little inspiration!!!!