God bless me with MORE patience

I'm downright frustrated. The past three days with Trevor have just been so hard. He's been angry, and I think I know why, I do know how ever know how to deal with it. Trevor's father and I somewhat share custody. He's at his father's house Tuesday night from about 7 until Friday when I pick him up around 6 so you could say he's with his father about 3 days a week. Up until October of last year my ex and I still lived together. This is a long story, we broke up mid year in 2008... and continued to live together up until September 2009....this was NOT an agreeable situation...reguardless of whether I was truely happy or not, I would not have made the choice to spilt, He "fell out of love" and not more than a couple months later was with a girl he worked with. I, and I should say Trevor as well, went through the entire getting over process with the situation at hand right in my face.


We stayed living together because I was not able to be out on my own...I was financially dependent on him, and the apartment we shared was the only thing I really had....my only safety zone for my self and my son. Until we got evicted right after Christmas. And that's how I wound up where I live now. My room mate was my ex's friend and I was accquainted with him through my ex. After being evicted my ex learned my roomate had a couple extra rooms. He took one I took the other, Trevor slept in my room. We continued to live together until September, when he moved out and got married to the same girl he left me for. We will not get into the emotional havoc that was wreaked on me through all of this, we'd be here all night. That part is locked away deep in my vault to never be gone through again. I learned SO much through all of this and we'll leave it at that. However, I was not the only one going through all of this, Trevor was also, but one thing he always had was my ex and I in the same house, even if we weren't together. He loves his father so much, and the back and forth  has had an affect on him.


The past couple weeks I've noticed Trevor being just downright defiant... he doesn't want to listen, he'll flat out tell me "No" when I ask him to do something, and the temper tantrums are back. Now I asked myself what was different in his environment...things here are the same...things with the ex not so much, wifey is preggo and he's taken up a night job. So if the ex is at work during the day, and at work at night that leaves Trevor with wifey all day, and not seeing his father much.  I first noticed there was really something wrong when Trevor told me " I don't love her, she's not my mommy"...now don't get me wrong, I actually LIKED that he said this...BUT, the big BUT....I don't want the environment there to be unhealthy or for him to not want to be there. And as hard as it is for me to say this, I WANT Trevor to love her. 


Now on to the tantrums... these aren't just any tantrums...these are screaming bloody murder, scratching, and hitting. And in public. On my side of the story its downright embarassing...I get looks from people like "Jeeze lady, control your kid" And in all actuality I'm TRYING, not to control him, but calm him down. Three HORRIBLE tantrums in three days...I'm exhausted, and me getting as angry as I do when he's just as angry does not help....and it for sure does NOT help the situation for us both to be crying...because that's what I do... I cry right along with him... I reach a  breaking point, not only from feeling embarassed, but BECAUSE I feel embarassed.  And  because I have no idea what to do,  or how to fix it.  I blame myself. WHAT AM *I* DOING WRONG?! (he's NOT like that all day everyday)

My first approach is the negative and positive reward system...which I enforced yesterday by taking away his favorite toys and not giving them back until this morning. Only to have them taken away again. When he was behaving he got a popscicle, as a reward.  And now I cross my fingers. And pray that I can get through to him, and hope that in having a conversation with my ex, and maybe wifey, that they'll be able to help me. Because I feel like maybe he's getting what ever he wants there...I've always been the disciplinarian, and I always will be...it's much easier to give into him when he's throwing a fit, than it is to stand your ground. Which is exactly why I think I've been emotionally drained as well. I'm standing my ground.

I'm going to end this with something a man told me on Sunday as we were leaving church. Trevor didn't want to leave Sunday school.... god must have really spoken to him that day because he was screaming the whole way out. And just as I managed to get him buckled into his booster with out him ripping out one of my eyeballs, I stood up outside the door and he let out one last ear peircing scream....parents, you know the one....and I just let my head fall back, took a deep breath and fought back tears. The owner of the car next to me opened his car door, and before he sat down, said:
                                                     

"God bless you for the patience you have"

And I definitely thank god for that patience...even though I feel like I lack.