Monday, April 19, 2010

God bless me with MORE patience

I'm downright frustrated. The past three days with Trevor have just been so hard. He's been angry, and I think I know why, I do know how ever know how to deal with it. Trevor's father and I somewhat share custody. He's at his father's house Tuesday night from about 7 until Friday when I pick him up around 6 so you could say he's with his father about 3 days a week. Up until October of last year my ex and I still lived together. This is a long story, we broke up mid year in 2008... and continued to live together up until September 2009....this was NOT an agreeable situation...reguardless of whether I was truely happy or not, I would not have made the choice to spilt, He "fell out of love" and not more than a couple months later was with a girl he worked with. I, and I should say Trevor as well, went through the entire getting over process with the situation at hand right in my face.

We stayed living together because I was not able to be out on my own...I was financially dependent on him, and the apartment we shared was the only thing I really only safety zone for my self and my son. Until we got evicted right after Christmas. And that's how I wound up where I live now. My room mate was my ex's friend and I was accquainted with him through my ex. After being evicted my ex learned my roomate had a couple extra rooms. He took one I took the other, Trevor slept in my room. We continued to live together until September, when he moved out and got married to the same girl he left me for. We will not get into the emotional havoc that was wreaked on me through all of this, we'd be here all night. That part is locked away deep in my vault to never be gone through again. I learned SO much through all of this and we'll leave it at that. However, I was not the only one going through all of this, Trevor was also, but one thing he always had was my ex and I in the same house, even if we weren't together. He loves his father so much, and the back and forth  has had an affect on him.

The past couple weeks I've noticed Trevor being just downright defiant... he doesn't want to listen, he'll flat out tell me "No" when I ask him to do something, and the temper tantrums are back. Now I asked myself what was different in his environment...things here are the same...things with the ex not so much, wifey is preggo and he's taken up a night job. So if the ex is at work during the day, and at work at night that leaves Trevor with wifey all day, and not seeing his father much.  I first noticed there was really something wrong when Trevor told me " I don't love her, she's not my mommy" don't get me wrong, I actually LIKED that he said this...BUT, the big BUT....I don't want the environment there to be unhealthy or for him to not want to be there. And as hard as it is for me to say this, I WANT Trevor to love her. 

Now on to the tantrums... these aren't just any tantrums...these are screaming bloody murder, scratching, and hitting. And in public. On my side of the story its downright embarassing...I get looks from people like "Jeeze lady, control your kid" And in all actuality I'm TRYING, not to control him, but calm him down. Three HORRIBLE tantrums in three days...I'm exhausted, and me getting as angry as I do when he's just as angry does not help....and it for sure does NOT help the situation for us both to be crying...because that's what I do... I cry right along with him... I reach a  breaking point, not only from feeling embarassed, but BECAUSE I feel embarassed.  And  because I have no idea what to do,  or how to fix it.  I blame myself. WHAT AM *I* DOING WRONG?! (he's NOT like that all day everyday)

My first approach is the negative and positive reward system...which I enforced yesterday by taking away his favorite toys and not giving them back until this morning. Only to have them taken away again. When he was behaving he got a popscicle, as a reward.  And now I cross my fingers. And pray that I can get through to him, and hope that in having a conversation with my ex, and maybe wifey, that they'll be able to help me. Because I feel like maybe he's getting what ever he wants there...I've always been the disciplinarian, and I always will's much easier to give into him when he's throwing a fit, than it is to stand your ground. Which is exactly why I think I've been emotionally drained as well. I'm standing my ground.

I'm going to end this with something a man told me on Sunday as we were leaving church. Trevor didn't want to leave Sunday school.... god must have really spoken to him that day because he was screaming the whole way out. And just as I managed to get him buckled into his booster with out him ripping out one of my eyeballs, I stood up outside the door and he let out one last ear peircing scream....parents, you know the one....and I just let my head fall back, took a deep breath and fought back tears. The owner of the car next to me opened his car door, and before he sat down, said:
"God bless you for the patience you have"

And I definitely thank god for that patience...even though I feel like I lack.


FairyPrincessMamma said...

Oh Sarah... I really feel your pain. I think any kind of change is so hard on our little ones. And I face those challenges with my little Moo it seems every other week... if i'm that lucky... I think they just don't know how to communicate what it is that's bothering them... so they act like maniacs on a rampage... my ex assures me that she doesn't act out when she is with cautious to believe him... but suppose its possible.. since hes never been good at saying no. I am the rule enforcer.. like you... and it sucks... so we probablly bare the brunt of their frustrations. I think they do it with us and test us... because deep down in their hearts they know we are 'safe'.. and as much as they fight it.. they really want the boundaries enforced because it keeps them safe... i bet he is prob acting out do to these recent changes at his dad's house... i know when moo spends the night in 3 different places when she is in daddy's care... she comes home on a rampage... and acts out all her stress on me... i tried the taking away of things... sometimes it works.. other times it doesn't.. time outs seem to be my best defence... and when she is calm we talk about things... and i know she's just little but I try to reaffirm to her that I understand all the changes she's going through are hard... but that's its not okay to hurt mommy and say awful things like im the worst mommy ever. She tells me she hates me... i tell her i love her ten times. if i have to... and im having a really bad day... i lock myself in the bathroom til the storm passes.... but really... sometimes its a crapshoot... a wise woman once said to me... this too shall pass... just remind yourself of this... and hide in the bathroom : ) keep your chin up... it really will pass... hugs

FairyPrincessMamma said...

OMG where's my comment? I just did one of my super freaking long winded comments and its not here... ahhhhhh

FairyPrincessMamma said...

oops... forgot to read the approval bit.. i'm such a spaz... that's what happens to me when my child is sick.. I LOSE MY MIND... lol

JDaniel4's Mom said...

He sounds like he is looking for a stable place to vent all he is dealing with. Unfortunately it is you. He knows you will be there forever and will love him no matter what. I don't think this is going to be easy, but just love him and let him know you will be consistent in all you say and do.

This is just my opinion. I am not an expert in this area.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Oh daughter is almost 7 and while my house is very calm and normal for her - her dad's house is a mess. He's been through at least 10 girlfriends in the last 6 years and she has had moments like that. She was angry and frustrated and confused and I got to deal with all of her outbursts. It's SO hard. All you can do is try to find a way for him to express his anger that is tolerable for you. And do everything you are doing already - love him to pieces!

Lourie said...

Here's my two cents: Perhaps for a while, Trevor should only see the ex and wifey when he is home. You could say something to the effect of, he isn't getting enough time with you. Or...I think he is missing you. No blame really. Have Trevor visit and do things when he is home. See if that helps. And yeah change does make it hard for little people.

I have something for you at my blog. Come on over.

Mayhem and Moxie said...

Let me first start by saying you are freaking amazing. This is my first time on our blog, but I was blown away by all that you have been through in the last year. How you are managing to hold everything together is seriously beyond me. I am not sure that I could do it and still retain some semblance of sanity.

The temper tantrums will pass. Just keep to exactly what you are doing. Trevor is lucky to have such a great mom.

Double Wide Mom said...

I agree with mayhem and maxie. You ARE amazing and don't let anyone sway you from that.

Jackie said...

If I could package up some patience I'd send it your way. It sounds like you are making the right decisions for you & your son. Bear with it - the tantrums can't last forever.

JamericanSpice said...

I read this and feel so much for you. He was fine with mom and dad under the same roof (despite him not knowing you were both not together anymore) but then daddy had to leave and the split is in his heart and he is taking it on as his fault and little baby doesn't know how to handle it.

I understand what you mean by wanting Trevor to love stepmom. Sigh* that must be just so painful to share your child.
I hope more, that stepmom will love Trevor and not seek to push him aside, especially now that she is pregnant!

You are a great mom Sarah and you'll love this little boy of yours through his rough times too.
He only knows to release himself with you because he feels safe with you his mom.

Those words from that man was just right on time.

Stand firm honey and keep doing what you do as you learn because this mommy thing does not have a manual at all.

And also remember that you'll give and give, but find something for you to replenish your soul so you can keep giving.

Oh and I must say how ticked I am that 'the father' so quickly fell in love wiht someone else, got married and is now expecting a baby and is suddenly responsible enough to get a second job is it? Just want to slap him silly.



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