Friday, May 21, 2010

Metaphorical bullets

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."
                                -Robert Frost


It's hard to believe I haven't posted since Tuesday.  It seems like I'm being thrown lesson after lesson recently, those kind of lessons that leave you stumped and literally dumbfounded as to what you should think or do.  It's to the point where the only thing I can think of that would take anything away is sleep. And even then, sleep is weird when you have too much on your mind. I toss and turn, and have strange intensely real dreams, and wake up randomly with crap on my mind.  I honestly thought, I knew who I was. I thought for sure. But its turning out that I haven't even started figuring out who I truly am.

Every experience I go through, I'm changing. Growing and Learning (hopefully) more about what makes me tick. Each decision I make (some painfully) leads me down a different path.  Each path I go down (might) lead me to something better or to something that will change my life again. I've been through so much in the past three years. And some of the memories are seared into my heart forever... some experiences you just never forget. They were experiences that took everything you THOUGHT you knew and just blew you out of the water. Life has a way of doing that to me... just when I think I got my S*** figured out I get thrown a curve ball.

 No one gives you a manual, explaining how to "do" life. You just hold on and try to enjoy the ride. No one warns you the some of the decisions you make will be horribly painful, Like taking a metaphorical bullet. And that the only way to get over the pain is to just FEEL it. No one posts a memo letting you know you will feel lost, lonely, scared, confused etc. etc.
No one makes a public service announcement that you will drive yourself nuts wondering if you're doing the right things for yourself and other parties closely involved, like the little 3 year old life I hold in my hands. No one waves a yellow flag in your face to let you know that you will be "rode hard and put a way wet". That LIFE is the scariest and most beautiful and intense things you can experience.

I've gone through my life feeling my way along. Feeling every loss, every change, every memory. I've always just been "in touch" with my emotions. And I've always connected myself to other people in the same way. I feel emotion without people even knowing I can. I've been told by family that as a child I used to just love someone from the minute I'd meet them. And you could just feel that love. I haven't changed. I am so emotionally involved with the things in my life. I put my heart into everything. Every choice I make I put myself into it. And the tricky thing is now I have another human being to make choices for, one of the people who has taught me the most about myself in such a short amount of time. The little life that I do EVERYTHING for now.

Right now I just hold on to hope and try to be as strong as possible. I can never to fighting. Never stop hoping and praying that I'm making the right decisions. And along with hoping, praying and fighting I will live. Live the gift I've been given. Because after all is said and done, life is pretty awesome... trials, tribulations, metaphorical bullets and all.  Despite life being insane, I am so thankful that I have it. I have a healthy child. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have the smile of my son to brighten my day, and giggles to keep it that way.  I wake up everyday and I am happy for that day, even if I don't know it right away. I have family and friends. I have a job. I have a car. I have family. And even while "taking bullets" I'm SO lucky to even have a life to be taking bullets (metaphorically of course) in.

Listen to the song, it says it all!


Debbie said...

I hope life gets smoother and easier for you soon! It would be great if it came with an instruction manual or maybe the answers in the back like a math book:)

MommyLovesStilettos said...

You are right, you just have to keep holding on. Things will get better. Promise!! xo

Allyson & Jere said...

Yeah, life is pretty freakin hard, that's for sure. But, just as you say in the end there, there are a lot of things to be grateful for too. I think the only way to stay sane and keep going is to take moments to stop and realize what we DO have.

Sorry things have been tough. I hope you get a smooth patch here soon.

The Drama Mama said...

Applause. Very eloquently put. And 100% right. Why do you think I call my blog "The Scoop on Poop"? LOL.

Miss Angie said...

Hugs! I'm sending you good energies, and I hope things will start to get a bit easier.

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