You ever have those weeks that just feel crazy even though they're really not? It's just that each day is an amplified version of the norm? A little more emotional, a little more hectic, SSDD with just a little change in it? (I'll give you a "hug" if you can figure out or if you know what SSDD or SSSS are) That's kind of how my week was....
Dropping Trevor off on Tues. was straight up brutal... and it seems to keep getting harder...my heart breaks each time...He's been doing so well...his tantrums seem to be getting alot better, and he's been wonderful. Sweet, and cuddly, and just the sweet little baby he always is. we spent most of Tues laying around in bed and cuddling watching movies. When it came time to take him to the ex's he said "No mommy, I don't want to go to daddy's house, I wanna stay witchoo. I promise I'll be a good boy". Oh sweet baby....daddy's house is not a punishment... that was heart wrencher number one... Then dropping him off he cried... and just looked so apprehensive... looking up at his dad like " Are you happy to see me?"....that was heart wrencher number two....I just cried. I don't know how else to cope with it. I know his father loves him... I really do. I just wish he would try to make Trevor's visits more special.
Work was insane. I work at a restaurant if you will, a little place in the DP harbor, a family owned business that's been there for 30 years...this place is like a home to me, the owner like a father. We've always been busy, one of those local places that everyone in the city knows, and will wait the line 50 people deep and 40 mins long just to order food. We get busier and busier as the years go by, and we've been doing things virtually the same way forever...well we've implemented en entirely new system. New registers and operating systems, and new food prep systems. The result? Chaos. The registers not so much. The food is another story. I feel like I ran around in circles the whole week. Being a creature of habit, I do not deal with change well. Needless to say I was excited for the R&R and to have my other half back.
Today has been a wonderfully leisurely morning, I've been blessed with a child who likes to sleep in, we don't normally roll out of bed until 9:30, so that's always nice. We did turkey bacon and eggs, Trev's favorite. I drank my coffee and watched some cheesy Sci-fi movie....and now its catching up on blogs, and my neglected commenting. There won't be much more going on today besides this glorious laziness... I love it so much. If I could just lay in bed all day with my boy I would. I'm looking so forward to the next couple days, and I'm excited that Mother's day is on a Sunday, it'll be cool to see how church is going to be, I can't think of a better day of the week for Mommy's day to be on!
Oh and last but certainly NOT least.... I love each and everyone of you like a fat kid loves cake...and I really love cake. My readers continually make me feel so supported and cared about, Tuesday's post was really hard for me, and as usual I have the wonderful support of you all.. and its SOOOO appreciated! Seriously, you're frappin' awesome! After that post, I'm just trying to move forward...I can't keep revisiting that part of my life...I'm trying to find and heal all affected areas, and look and see what part of my life they have changed. The trust issues are a good one....my need for control and safety is another. My fear of ANY change is another. The fear of having concrete love in my life. I'm terrified of losing things/people. Theres an entire laundry list of things I need to work on...some of which I'll elaborate more on as soon as I grow some balls back after that last post, writing about everything has proven to be really therapeudic for me!
So here's to fixing my disfunctions, and moving forward!!
“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”